And I dared to do it again. I watched a film. Fiction. THOR. Doesn’t really matter what kind of movie it is. And I checked out again. Of the matrix. After having been thrown back into my former life as old Clarissa this week. A wish I had after losing ground due to the ego attack last weekend. I got sooo grounded again. Having my old story in my head and heart, very well interconnected, a bit uncomfortable in some situations. And last night watching my third film after I had this acting realization of just playing a role myself in reality. I had it again. I was feeling kind of nauseous. Sitting in the dark movie theater and watching the screen with the superheroes fighting each other. And the nausea didn’t have anything to do with the special effects, flying around in other galaxies or something. It was just the rising knowledge of everything what’s happening outside of the movie theater is another film. Our film. Our roles we’re playing. Every role made up perfectly. And, of course, not only one role. We’re playing so many different kind of roles. I know you know.
Walking back to my car I was telling my friend about my feeling. She was convinced I just got this strange feeling because of sitting in a theater with a big screen and watching quickly moving pictures in front of me. And that a lot of people might feel that way. Yes, I assume a lot of people feel THAT way. But that wasn’t what I was feeling. I felt anything was possible. Whatever I want to do with my life, if I set my mind to it, it will be possible. All the thoughts about “I’m not enough”, “I won’t get that anyway, it’s not even worth trying” are completely made up by our minds. Thanks to the stories we tell ourselves. Thanks to the stories we’re told by other people. To keep us in the same world like everyone else we know. To have a feeling of belonging. And to keep us from being considered crazy.
In the car on our way home my friend asked “But what if I want a guy. Let’s say I want a very specific boyfriend. I can’t just get him.” Of course you can. And the way you do it is freeing your mind of all the negative blocks you have around that topic and become “him” yourself. Obtaining all the qualities you’re searching in him, you are trying to find in this other person, and I guarantee you’ll get him. But then he might not be interesting to you anymore. Because you got everything already in yourself and there’s nothing to complement you anymore. (Side note: The feeling of “love” we’re conditioned to in our society and what we call “love” is just an excitement about having found a person who has all the qualities we are looking for to have, to feel good about ourselves. There are still other misunderstandings of love, too.)
I remembered one of my first “checking out” realizations. I was lying in bed in New York City. I was frustrated or sad about not having a boyfriend. I was thinking “Why am I all the time single and everyone else has one boyfriend after another?”. I’m probably afraid of certain things. And then it hit me. I could have a boyfriend. Of course, I could. I could have so many. Haha. I was the one holding myself back from it. And then I realized I don’t need one anyway. I’m not that kind of person. But I could have. Thousands of possibilities. Whereever I go. And I started laughing. I was suddenly so happy. I realized it is just a thought game I was playing with myself. Seeing it around myself as “normal” to have a boyfriend (“a story I was told”) made me feel I needed one, too.
Back to the roles we’re playing in life.
Watching the world around you. With everyone struggling to achieve things. Two important aspects here. “Struggling” and “achieve thing”. Both are shown to us by our society to be normal. You have to struggle and you have to achieve things. It’s just how we are conditioned (especially in the film industry). And our minds will give us very good reasons why we have to do both things. Have you ever considered the other way? How come it’s so easy to achieve this goal? How come it’s so easy to be fine with what I already have (so I don’t need to struggle or achieve anything)? You’re gonna be surprised with what you mind will come up with.
So where I’m getting to is. All is bullshit. Made up bullshit. By the people you talk to, the books you read, the media you see, the films you watch, all the info you’ve been collecting in your mind your whole life.
If you’re clear about what you want, you’ll get it. Not in a second. But you’ll get it. The clearer you are, meaning less distractive, negative thoughts interfering, you’ll get it. The question is then WHY do you want to get it? What’s the feeling you’re looking to get from it? Can’t you just have this feeling right now? – How come it’s so easy to feel this feeling right now? Got it?!
“But wait, I was doing that. I knew I wanted to have that guy, that dream guy, wishing for a perfect relationship – and that happened several times – and I got him and we started a relationship and I was doing everything for the relationship, I was so nice. And the relationship didn’t work out.” – “Did you have thoughts deep inside yourself doubting that this is the right guy? Were you telling yourself unconsciously a story about failing to have that kind of relationship?” – “True. That sounds about right.” Anything you have inside yourself is mirrored by the outside. If you are looking for a feeling to have, give it to someone, make someone feel it, genuinly, and you’ll feel it too. Even if it’s just in your imagination. If you want a thing to have, go for it fearlessly. Of course, without harming others. It’s your own film. Anything is possible in there. But most importantly know WHY you want to have it, what feeling you’re looking for to get and maybe then it’s not even neccessary to get it anymore, because you can make yourself feel it right away.
Thanks for reading.
