Last night it happened. So clearly. Without any thoughts about it anymore. I’m checking out of this acting life. 6 years I was in there. Actually even longer. I was dreaming about it since I was very young. Not my only dream, but one of them. And last night while I was watching ” The Murder on Orient Express” with so many amazing actors and actresses, so many different interesting roles to play, I was not resonating to them at all. Which doesn’t have anything to do with their performance, the story, or how the film was made. I just didn’t feel any desire to act anymore (and usually I would yearn to play every character – woman or man!). I was seeing those characters going through emotions, feeling miserable or upset and usually I would have compassion and ask myself, why. That was the constant question in my mind. Why are they behaving like that? And I’m not only talking about roles in films, but also people in real life. I knew deep inside that there was a reason for their “bad” behaviour or them feeling bad and that everyone was doing the best they could. And doing acting helped me to find more answers than I could come up with myself. Answers which eventually helped me to find my own WHYs as well. Seeing my own character “Clarissa” from an outside perspective and all the attachments to her past. Almost “thought addictions”. Stressful scenes her mind would be playing over and over again, attached to a certain emotion, which makes her feel like “at home in herself”. This is me. This is my story. This is what I have to represent as “Clarissa”. This is the role I’m playing and in order to keep up with this persona and don’t get people confused and think I’m crazy I’m gonna stick to this role.
Some weeks ago I started to doubt all of this. I became more and more aware of my role. And not only that, there was one day when I was able to let it all go. What I had done with so many characters before. Saying thank you to everything and everyone in my mind, for the lessons they had taught me, basically being grateful for my whole past. And suddenly I was catapulted into the now. The present moment. It didn’t matter anymore what had happened before. I was detached.
And the WHY was suddenly unneccessary. Completely unneccessary. Because it’s only leading to the past and the past is over. Every emotion is somehow connected to the past. Think about it. Every time you feel an emotion, ask yourself what thought triggered this emotion. And you will find an attachment to the past. Or the future which is indirectly connected with your former experiences from the past.
So watching films with people going through emotions, so that I can join them on their emotional journey and heal myself or figure out why I’m feeling a certain way, doesn’t work for me anymore. That means working as an actress to portray a character with emotions attached to past and future doesn’t make sense neither.
I could imagine that this realization of “playing a role in real life” happens quite often to actors. I’m actually very sure, I’m not the first one. But I guess not many dared to take the next step and letting go of that entire role they had lived until that moment and being completely blank like a white sheet of paper. Thinking about doing this feels very crazy.
It feels like in the movie Matrix. All people are actually only personas in a virtual world and aren’t really aware of what’s going on in reality. I believe in reality everything is good. Peaceful. And nothing what’s happening here matters. So well, let’s just do this.
This is Clarissa. Checking out.
Tatatataaaaa. Dramatic ending.
Hm, maybe there’s still some actress left in me? Ha, we’re gonna find out. Or not. What does it matter.
Thanks for reading.
