Why do they call it 'heartbreak'? I do not understand. Because I do not feel broken at all, but destroyed. It feels like to burst into pieces, or burn to the ashes that then disappear in the wind.
They told me to share it with someone, sharing the burden would alleviate my troubles. But no one can heal at all. They just listen. I also listen to stories that come out of my own mouth and it feels very revolting when I feel as well as listen to how I describe the feeling itself.
I can drank bottles of liquor or swallow some tranquilizers but they are only temporary. I forgot just that moment. As I began to wake up and the memories came back to haunt me, it felt much more painful. I hope to run as far as possible can leave a bitter memories where it happened. But I realized that the bitterness was deeply stuck in my heart.
I've tried to go to a psychiatrist. I even begged her to erase my memory only. I do not mind not to remember anyone as long as his name can be erased from my memory. My request is making it up, he says. The doctor did not feel what I felt so he would not understand. I'm tired of debating people who will never understand.
I have prayed to my Lord. They say it's the only way that can help me now. I lost my fervor while worshiping. Because the memories came like a nail shot on the pit of my heart as I tried to convey my complaints to God. I became even more sick when I realized I was so weak and desperate. Nothing I did was right.
.............................
An acquaintance drove me to a shop that sold smuggled goods last night. I think I've got what I need. By writing this, I just want them to know I've tried something else. I do not want them to think of me as a human surrender.
I still love him. I love her until I die.
I will put this note next to my pillow. Also with the ring I bought for him first. I can never be happy for his happiness. I will not be naive. What I'm doing is for myself. I just solved my problem. Whether in hell or heaven where we meet later, I'll make sure the pain is gone.
-...........................................
"Why is he so stupid?"
"End your life just because of a broken heart?"
"The woman canceled the engagement with her. After all he did. "
"I heard she ran off with another man."
"And they've been together for three years. Next month they should get married. "
"He left a message, saying he still loves the woman, loves him to death."
"She committed suicide in her room, buried her head on the pillow with her notes and engagement ring beside her."
"He also made notes in his book."
"I met him in the hospital. He met a psychiatrist. What a pity."
"I've met him at the pharmacy, bought all kinds of tranquilizers."
"Most nights she gets drunk at the bar. Crying and raging like crazy. Pathetic."
"He bought the weapon on the black market. Maybe this is just the way to end his misery. "
"Maybe."
"Maybe."
"Maybe."