Hey guys,
I've decided to revisit some old travel posts that I have up on my blog - Expansive Exploration. My blog is no longer active and I feel like some of the posts would be better shared here on Steemit. Below is a recount of my thoughts during a difficult time of transition and the rooftop that I spent many weeks on disconnecting and reconnecting with self.
• It’s been a little over a week since I left San Marcos, a village on the lake of Atitlan in Guatemala. I have moved onto the next leg of my journey, heading north to Mexico and I find myself in San Cristobal. The weather is cool and crisp and there’s comfort in the afternoon rain. Colour and colonial history decorate the streets. This city feels nice and cosy tucked up in the mountain.
Usually I find myself unsettled and sometimes bored by the cities. It doesn’t take long before you’ve wondered the streets and have seen most of what’s on offer. The hustle and bustle of people, spending their money, drinking their coffees and indulging in some tasty eats. I appreciate the simplicity of this lifestyle but habitually something inside me longs for a body of water and the nurturing essences of mother nature. But I’m yet to get that feeling with San Cristobal and settling here is refreshing.
My initial reason for arriving has been to spend time with myself. I’ve spent the last two months of my travels volunteering at a Workaway on Lake Atitlan. My experience at Hostel Del Lago is something I could never trade, but you don’t realise how intense it is being completely submerged in a social environment until you leave it. I’m taking this time to really digest new ideas and concepts that have come to fruition especially those that have recently triggered old insecurities.
What has arisen recently is my relationship with non attachment and my perception of self worth. I’ve been shown consistently that in moments of resistance, we need to focus solely on surrender. Surrendering to the moment, the emotions, the internal experience even when we don’t want to, even when it seems that the only option is to hold on for dear life. If you can imagine a river flowing sweetly, never slowed down by “obstacles” but always seeking new ways to move in its desired direction, you can use this as a guide to perceive situations that present themselves to you. This flow is always moving you in the right direction, always creating circumstances that benefit your soul for its highest purpose. Now the objective of this is to understand the obstacles that we deem as “negative” are relative to our perceptions and it helps to recognise the ingrained patterns of our complex body that switch us into survival mode. There is generally an automatic assumption that we are going to be hurt by these “negative” situations and it’s difficult to trust that what is occurring is allowing space for new potential and pathways. So we try and fight against the flowing current and exhaust ourselves through the struggle. When resistance is created, we begin to feed the circumstances with dense energy. That energy then becomes contained and our opportunities for understanding becomes limited because we’re so focused on this one situation; we have almost blinded ourselves to everything else.
Now it’s easy enough for me to just express this concept. Complete surrender! Seems simple enough right? I say I can only understand this as it’s proven itself to me over and over. What I share sits only with my own interruptions and experiences. Right now I am focusing on applying it to my current situation. I unintentionally created an expectation of someone I got very close to. Neither of us could’ve imagined the progression of our connection and like most found during travel, there comes a time when you accept that things might end or that you’ll be moving in different directions. How beautiful is it though to know and feel intimacy and love. You find yourself almost held in time because of a new found appreciation for simple things, a gentle touch, a cheeky smile, comfort given when the need for it was never indicated. Aren’t these some of the reasons we seek connection?
I’ll be the first to say that I didn’t respectively handle the separation like I would’ve wanted too. During the times we feel our emotions so deeply, the logical mind can run rampant and there seems to be a complete lack of rational thought. I lashed out in a particularly passive aggressive way, something I’m not happy to admit. After sitting with those emotions for some time, my pride and ego started to flare up. I didn’t want to accept that I had been out of line and come to terms with the fact I had only acted out in hopes of receiving a reaction. It seems a common thing between people with conflicts to stir reactions. How often do we admit that we’re wrong or that we've responded because we were hurting and we were either seeking consciously or not, the same for the other?
After many meditations and my subconscious pressing me through my dreams, I had to bite the bullet and be honest. To acknowledge my behaviour and be truthful in my feelings and actions without expectations; succumbing to my vulnerability. Although we feel limited by our fear and attached to our pride and ego, accepting and softening into these aspects of ourselves allow us to dissolve the mental constrictions we create. It’s been difficult to remind myself daily that the way things have progressed has its purpose but as time passes and space is created between the situation I wholeheartedly trust the power of this process.
More moments to ponder.
Much love <3
