Damn that was superb writing. Funny and real. Eat your black pudding boy, it puts hairs on your chest and next time they analyse your hand writing, 'slap the nut' on them and run like hell :-)

PS Don't forget that spelling the word 'colour' correctly is part of the 'Indefinite leave to remain' visa process and we haven't used the word 'quarts' since 1853. Hope this helps :-)