I have spent my life in fear of disappointing my parents. Recently, they disappointed me in such a way it became clear not disappointing them shouldn't be a priority in my life. I should be focused on not disappointing myself. So I took action to achieve a handful of dreams I've had for me but never pursued due to their judgement.
This owlet represents a piece of this--for now--mystery journey.
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This is hard to say in it's way, but it is such a relief that the wall is down. I have been locked up for so long, and knowingly! I have purposefully inhibited myself so as not to rock the boat more times than I can count. I have lived my life unsatisfied by the bindings of family. Not bonds. Bindings.
I'm not here to make any grand statements. I'm not "done with" my family. I love them and hope we will find a way to reconcile someday. However, I am not living my life with that as my primary goal. I love my family, but I also love me.
It is profound to discover that I am important. It is liberating to choose life on my own terms instead of based on my fear of someone else's. I've wondered when I would actually become an adult. I think this is the moment--when I break free from those bindings and leave tending the bonds up to those who have required it of me all this time.
I get to be my own person.
This makes me a better mother, partner, lover, friend, human and ally to myself.
It turns out it didn't take much courage. What it took was exhaustion. I can't pretend anymore. I can't curate my life anymore. I can't stuff down who I am until I choke on my hopes. I'm letting go.
My family always told me to let go of what you love. It will come back to you if it's meant to. I guess we'll see.
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