Chaos

I wake and see the bathroom light on, and the small red light of the Royal-brand fan at the foot of my bed, showing it is charging. I have been crying in the dream, and the lights blur. It was a sad dream, very sad. I was with my grandmother Tita, and I believe she came to give me an important message: not to lose sight of real bonds.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, I gently wipe my eyes with my hands and reflect on it, while my feet search for the slippers — I don’t know if they are by the side or near the fan. I am glad that at last the electricity has been restored. Perhaps it will last all night, enough for the little in the fridge to freeze.

So, I go there and take out a small packet of salted crackers and a jar where I kept homemade grated coconut and passion fruit treat. I grab a spoon and taste it before…

‘Oh, it is so delicious, sweet and sharp because I didn’t add too much sugar…truly, I think, I did a wonderful job.’

I breathe deeply, enjoying this nice moment. I am already savouring the blend with the first cracker… at twelve-something in the night… and another thought comes.

‘Thank you, I am still here.’

And another.

‘Everything passes.’

There is chaos everywhere, but it must not be within me. I made this sweet on the charcoal stove. When there is no electricity, there are other things I can do to feel useful: cooking, gardening, arranging my things, hand‑washing small items of clothing, reading, playing with my dog, going for a bike ride… serving someone, smiling, helping to bring a touch of colour to any greyness.

Nothing belongs to me except my thoughts. I will leave here with nothing; when that day comes, it will not wait for me to finish the packet of salted crackers or the grated coconut and passion fruit treat. Nor to wear the T-shirt my sister sent me, with a scent so lovely it filled every corner of my room. It was a sweet, floral scent… I am more drawn to citrus scents, but this one had the extra gift of being packed by my sister, like the container of magnesium tablets, with my name written on it in her hand. I don’t know when I will see my sister again…

I am trying not to lose my calm and mental health amid all this chaos that is not only enclosing this small island, but the whole world. I hope that one day I won’t even have to try, that it will happen naturally. This, I have thought, is yet another test.

We do not know how all this will end; all we can do is trust that it will pass. To seek calm and silence, to listen to the voice of our soul that guides us, that whispers what we truly need in each moment.