The Fall by Jeremy Adonis from lifeofpix
It's rare. Very rare. That I see myself smile, and up until now I still don't know why I lose the ability to cry even in the very hard moments of my life. It's like my emotions don't function normally as it used to. I don't know If I need to be happy in a happy moment in life, or do I need to be just neutral, because I'm afraid that whenever I chose to be happy on that moment, a very sad moment will come. Again and again, that would be like that. Is it a curse? karma? an illness?, I don't know why. I get sad after having a very happy time. And I'm still finding the reason why I'm always like that, sometimes I'm thinking maybe I always get sad during those moment because I wanted to live in the moment as long as possible since that's the only things that made me smile for a very long time, or I'm expecting more because I know that after this, I don't know when that happy moment will ever happen again.
As I said in my past blog, as I'm writing a letter for my future self, I said that the only thing that makes me cry is when something makes me feel that needs to have a long way down until it reach it's surface. Maybe this is the reason why my emotions are like this because I always want to feel things deeply. I want to understand everything, that's why my emotions don't function normally because it always finds something more. It's like a machine where I need to stop whenever there's a specific thing that makes me feel, my body and mind stopped, because they want to understand something, they need to focus, because it's afraid to reciprocate the past traumas and feelings that happened before may happen again. My body and mind are afraid. I'm afraid.
I don't know where this all started. I just woke up one day that I feel like I'm numb. Maybe I get tired of looking for something more deeply. I read somewhere that having this kind of ability is a gift, because you have an empathy, you'll know easily if people need some comfort or help. But at what cost? If I will explain how this feeling makes me feel, it's like I have an open eye for all, I feel everything, I feel when they are sad, happy, excited, or do they need help on something, I also feel if they are angry to me, or they just using me, etc. That's why maybe I don't have a lot of friends, or people that I can talk about everything, but I understand them, they are afraid to me as I'm afraid of myself.
Right now, I'm still looking for an answer to these questionable things on my head. But little by little, I'm trying to heal. I'm trying to disregard my feelings sometimes and focus on the things that matter only. I want to break the chain and change the program that my mind and body made. I'm looking for the function hall of my feelings and finally make control of it, not by the people who tried and forced me to manipulate what I need to feel.
I'll feel the sunrise again.. the way it is.
