This is part of a series called "Wandering Thoughts", which is the title of my upcoming book. If you would like to see other entries, click here.
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Blessings
The Donut Story
Before me, in the glass encasement housing the delicious bakery goods of the day, are 7 choices of donut. These donuts are exceptional no doubt, and I know that all are made in the effort to provide me health and enjoyment, as this is happening in the health food store in Boulder. I know that whatever donut I choose, I will be satisfied, and yet I am in the predicament of a life time. I stand here, not wishing to make a choice, as all the donuts are providing glorious visions of ecstasy. Each one showing off its delights under the lights of center stage in my mind. Parading through the streets of my peaceful village with extravagance and pomp. But I am not moved so much by all that flashy stuff. I prefer the modest. I have accomplished much in my life, and I see so much, yet here I am, held by donuts, unable to decide between chocolate with chocolate chips, or maple with cream cheese. Chocolate with glaze, who can deny thy beauty. I know there is so many options in life, and I know that I create my life out of the choices I make, so I want to make the right one... How can I pick one donut over the others, without knowing the outcome of my decision. Without regret. I am feeling incredibly lost. I cannot make a decision when that decision will influence the rest of my life without knowing the result. I am standing here, glaring at the reflection of my very confused and hurt face in the mirror, perfectly polished to accurately describe my predicament, when a little girl steps in front of me and without a spare second reaches into that box of delusion and pulls free one of the very donuts I had been gazing upon for an indeterminate portion of my life. Speechless.. stunned by this drastic act of random selection. How could she possibly know that donut would fulfill her desire. How did she determine the worth, the opportunity cost, without reasoning the choices? As I pondered, my gaze moved back to the donuts, and as my eyes fell upon the place where recently resided a chocolate with chocolate chips, something happened within me. Reason could not determine the best course of action, because it had missing variables. I could not make the best decision as I could not know what the future would bring. I am not troubled by the donuts, but by the choice. I am not concerned with whether there is cream filling or glaze, but only with the feeling of having made a decision that was good for me and one that fulfilled my expectation. I want to know that the decisions I make are going to benefit me in the next moment as well as this one. But I cannot know what will come next. I cannot be sure that what comes next will be donut or death. If I concern myself with making right choices, I would never be free of the concern. Maybe I wouldn't make the right one. I can hope that my choices bring continuous good things, but if I do this, I will need faith. I am seeing that my choice in reasoning the donuts out of the box has left me somewhere without a solution. So if I am to acquire a donut, without regret, and without concern, does it not make more sense to not judge between them. To not determine worth. Without experiencing each donut, I cannot say what worth it would bring. And since I could never eat all the donuts with equivalent variables, I must decide upon a donut in a different way. What if the choice did not matter. Randomly putting my hand in the box and pulling out whatever it landed upon. If I had expectation, I would still be regretful if those expectations were not met. I would be upset that I didn't reason out the solution. So my problem is not reason, nor is it faith. It is in thinking that something should be a certain way. It is in my preconceived notion of hierarchy and good and bad circumstances. If I were to change my preconceived notion to one of a broader spectrum, say, the idea that I am not concerned with what donut I choose, and that all donuts will work for me, I am relegating my power of choice to a level of indifference which could only bring about a lack of interest or involvement in life. I would be giving up my autonomy, which only exists in relation to a non-self-determined existence. If I decide to completely disregard predetermined notions, I will not be constrained by the idea that anything must be in any way. It is like opening a book with blank pages. You can see the page, but nothing is written. No language to even write in. Thus all the experiences come with a novelty that has no determined course or standard. Everything that comes, now is being viewed for the first time. All actions taken are without the notion of good/bad or hierarchy. Now I may decide upon a donut, without concern, and without confusion, and even without regret, for all the decision was, was a decision. The donut was an experience of its own, and no good or bad can be present, as there is nothing to relate. Thus freed of the idea of exclusivity, I am without need to determine the course of life. I am just experiencing, and cannot leave a trace. Without a thought, I reach into the box of illusion, and pull out the maple with cream cheese. I am delighted. A choice, to be without reason, through reason, has led me to see the illusion of choice and the experience of freedom through self-discernment. I eat my donut and sit quietly at the table outside, watching the people come and go.
