So I know its been awhile since I've written. For me anyway - 19 days between posts! I've noticed that my pattern recently is that I will have these breakthroughs where I write for awhile, having so much to say and not even getting to put it all down. And then I've gotten blocked. Its been a fairly predictable pattern of wanting to take advantage of the flow when it happens for as long as I can, and then just do my best, wrestling whatever it is that's in the way and wait things out until I can get back to writing again. I cranked out a couple of things yesterday, not my best work but I was responding to a personal message and trying to start things moving forward again.
The truth is, I have some very controversial and even emotionally challenging things I would like to write about. More than usual, ha ha. Not just for myself, either ... even tho this writing thing has always been an outlet for healing and processing for me. It is a much bigger picture I want to address. This issue for Indigos. The abuse issue. Er, the "OMG" abuse issue. How to even approach healing here and also, since our physiology is so much different from 'normal' humans, there's a twist for us. There is a huge paradigm shift within the abuse framework that if realized, would change everything. I've just been ... working to find my place in this issue for writing and sharing. Recently, I've learned so much about all of this. Critical pieces have been falling into place.
I saw this meme the other day about Chiron, the Wounded Healer in Astrology. It was an image of an angel with tons of arrows in her back, reaching out to another angel with just one arrow in her back. The idea was, a wounded person who has survived such extremes found enough strength and wisdom and perspective to reach out and help others who need it. I remember when I first started out on the breakdown path, one I realize all Indigos have to go through at some point to truly find their powers. I was very upset to have found myself in such a hopeless situation and I was angry that there were no 'others' to help me through what was happening to me.
What is it that the guy says, at the end of the movie in Moneyball? The first ones through the wall always get bloodied.
Well, this is part of a change. I feel that we who have survived this dark period and found our strength need to be compassionate of others following in our path. Because I figure after what I've been through, almost nobody survives this stage. Coming to terms with your own death, if you can, in the 'right' way, certainly lends unimaginable strength of character and wisdom to such people. In my opinion. The process is SO difficult though, that I think the ones before me who made it wound up being so jaded that they aren't willing to help those following. There is almost a hatred of them. Also I am certain that there's something to the idea of just having to go through it. That its necessary in order to reclaim all of your true self.
Well, I think this is true, that it probably IS a necessary process for us. I've said it before, but I truly believe that the 144 Thousand are 'The Body and Blood of Christ.' Maybe collectively, we are the Second Coming. I have come to realize that death and transformation and then rebirth IS the very source of our power. Mastering that is something else entirely. But, I think that help can and should be collectively offered to those following this path by those that have gone through it. Help and support is needed, but not enough to sabotage the very painful and difficult process that it is. Instead, to be able to give enough support and compassion to make sure that those in this process survive it - there are so few of us.
Its like joining the Marines.
They totally kick your ass, break you down. Then you are rebuilt, better than you were. Or that's the idea anyway. I'm well aware that it isn't that simple and its far from not being damaging and traumatic, long term. There's a balanced perspective to be found here though. I remember when my son went through boot camp and afterwards he told me that some social group of 'Moms for Marines' or something protested enough to change some of the rules in ways that weren't necessarily good! My son told me that they pushed through the agenda of people in boot camp getting to keep their cell phones. My son's class was the last one that was cell phone free.
I feel this was a mistake. A good illustration of what I'm talking about, though. Maybe with some perspective thrown in. NOT having access to a cell phone for three months, afforded these people a gift. An ability to tune out mental distraction and find focus. I felt it was a critical part of the process. Becoming a Marine is no small undertaking, there's a reason they are an elite force. To replace this missing social contact, I wrote many handwritten letters to my son when he was away. It was healing for both of us on many levels.
Not to digress.
There are some very dear people close to me who are going through this difficult period and they just don't get it. AT ALL. Like those sabotaging Marine Moms. This is what inspires me to write about this. But it is shocking information to share or try to express to others, and even more shocking to come to terms with the dynamics in your own life.
It starts with TRAUMA.
Unbelievable levels of human trauma.
Here are those brain wave charts I mentioned in another post. They kindof, set the stage for all of this.
Here's another one, another view of brain dynamics in traumatized people to help make sense of what I'm talking about here. These were sent to me by a friend from my women's support group for survivors of intimate domestic violence and abuse.
Here is what I KNOW. Or what I have come to understand about myself.
We die, and then we come back. Like, instantly. The 144k.
Truth.
Just sit with this for a second.
A moment of calm. Just before it gets really crazy.
What I've come to realize is that there are people who know this very well kept secret. It has been used to manipulate us and our powers by elites and the powers that be. One of the reasons the secret has survived so long is social programming around death, and how unbelievable it sounds.
The other reason the secret has survived so long is that the trauma of these experiences is so extreme, that most people who have gone through it have not realized the truth. Trauma like this has created gaps or holes in our memory and overall understanding, or our basic reality construct. Then it becomes easy to manipulate such a person by others. We have become targets for control. I can tell you that it is done deliberately, with an organized agenda behind it all.
I'm writing this in parts, back to it after a few hours away from it to think...
So how do I know all of this? What I know, what I am revealing here. Given my normal writing subjects, you might guess that I have a history, and that I've recovered many of these experiences within my own life. You would be right.
R + rating from here though. Be forewarned.
I really only put it all together very recently. From a couple of Q/Qanon posts I saw months ago. It was April 2018. I joined that support group I mentioned in May, very soon after. Also when the worst or most graphic memories began to surface, although there had already been quite a few of them, and they were dark. Certain things have had a tendency to show up in my life just in the nick of time, when I really need them.
From April, 2018 - Q.
Here is the address for current Q posts. To find these, they are pretty far back in the high 20's I think. Where they were originally posted. Just watch the dates.
See, I already had found a whopping SEVEN near death experiences in my life, from the Right Use of Will directed healing and recovery work. That is, being thrown into a state of 'seeing' (psychic visions) and being triggered into a powerful and nearly gapped state of awareness. I say nearly gapped. Usually I see things that are a total shock to my psyche, which triggers an emotional reaction of grief. So the gap gets triggered. However, when I consciously guide or direct the process (that is, giving it time and space and room in my life to work) I am fully aware, and I can cry and process my emotions in a powerful healing way.
I had a nervous breakdown in 2012 though, that was a huge setback. Or just part of the process. The start of the breakdown and transformation period that happens with 'us.' I had already been doing the recovery and self healing work over many years at that point, and it led me into some amazing discoveries. All kinds of things about history and science and other things. It was like, cracking open some kind of library of information and past life experiences within my own DNA.
When I saw that first Q photo of the crying girl, I knew exactly what was going on. Or, it was the first time I was ever validated as encountering another Indigo's experiences that closely matched my own. Its like, it was all laid open for me.
What am I talking about?
Well...
This pedophilia issue and black magic and abuses in the halls of power. My own experiences too. There are some men, and even possibly women, who get turned on by the idea of killing another human being. Especially during sex. Imagine a very twisted sense of power over others, as a sexual turn on. I found one of my original seven NDE's in an experience with an old boyfriend from high school who I didn't know at the time was heavily and secretly into black magic. I fell asleep on the floor late at night in the family room at his house, and he couldn't wake me up. After about an hour or so of him trying to rouse me and some considerable anger and panic on his part (I think he thought I was dead), I woke up. Much later I was going through my issues and I realized that he had fantasized about killing me during sex.
That girl is an Indigo. And she has been killed repeatedly during paid sex. Paid for by someone in power, probably passed around between buddies. I believe she is a child prostitute, and Q says as much in reference.
Yes, what I am saying is, they've killed her, and she 'comes back.'
Its what her best clients 'pay' for.
Horrified yet?
Me too. Me fucking too.
Now maybe you start to get the thousands and thousands of hours of tears for me over so long of seeing?
My ironic rage at the Pope.
"The Holy See."
But as John Trudell says, we mean no disrespect.
To God, by John Trudell
http://www.rezexpress.com/trudell.htm
AHEM. Sorry.
So in my own experience, I started with those seven NDE's I had recovered. This was over about 20 years of not only processing the Right Use of Will books but I had been encountering a great deal of remote viewing (remote influencing) over the course of the work. I came to understand that I had been at least observed, and counted among the CIA's 'human assets' without my permission as far as I know.
I thought they were excessive and strange. The first one I found was having died on the operating table during a routine tonsilectomy at about seven years of age. The second and third one I found were, having been shaken as an infant. I believe that this was the original source of brain injury for me. Something that I think, has happened to a LOT of young children.
You get the idea.
It happened at two months of age and then again I think, at four months of age. Other NDE's popped into my awareness at later times. Two of them were during hospital procedures where I was put under anesthetic and both times the doctors were pretty freaked out, but I was never told what happened ... their emotional response to what happened (losing me on the table and bringing me back) that I found later, was my doorway for finding these experiences. To a total of seven. I thought that I had been thorough but still, I had no idea. This was my standing count, for awhile there. At the time I thought it was a lot of these.
Then I found a few more. In addition to three new ones after I was somewhat recovered from a mental breakdown that happened almost 6 years ago (I was up to ten at that point, just doing the math for lazy or shocked readers), I found something else.
Two summers ago. I was passed a pre rolled marijuanna cigarette that had been drugged. It was passed to my husband to pass along to me. I should have noticed the smell, but this was among my first experiences of becoming AWARE of secretly having been passed drugs or poison, thank God for it. I took one puff and I was on the floor nearly passed out. I am pretty certain it was chloroform - it was very minty or camphor tasting and very very acidic. (I saved it in a plastic baggie). Also very obvious that the MJ was more than it appeared to be.
This event was like a dam that sprouts a tiny crack and grows into a flood.
The drugs involved were pretty hardcore, that chloroform. It caused a trigger to move in my brain of having encountered it before. As a routine part of my holistic cancer therapy, I've encountered a lot of toxins or chemicals and flushed them out of my body system. Treating the underlying infection and injury are the next step and part of treatment. My diet is very clean at this point and I keep a detailed journal. It has become really clear and easy to prove when I encounter unexpected things.
Recovering health for me, especially during accute healing crisis, always brings back lost memories. Sometimes the process is so intense that I am nearly in an altered state. I can definitely tell I have one foot in each world, and it can be either interesting or upsetting for other people around me. In fact, in my support group I've encountered others who have experienced something similar. Just not to the extremes that happen with me as far as I know, usually childhood memories of abuse. For me, I encounter this early life stuff and also past life recall, or other powerful events from Earth's history.
One experience in particular was revealed for me starting with that MJ cigarette, and it changed everything. When I thought everything had already changed. This happened in this life, when I was an adult. I learned that 19 years ago, right after the birth of my youngest son, I was abducted and raped.
The very first memory I had was of someone reaching down and grabbing my hair from the back of my head in order to look into my face, and I was on all fours. I saw myself as if looking from their perspective. I was heavily drugged and barely conscious. Another healing crisis experience and another. Memories of being tied up, lying down on the front seat and floor of a car, en route to someplace, looking up and seeing my abductor as he was driving. I think this one happened before the first memory, that was after we got where we were going. More bits and pieces. Another big one, a year later ... last Fall sometime vague. I encountered food poisoning and I got really, violently sick. Both ends, no waiting over about three or four hours until I finally got myself to sleep that night. After a couple of hours I had nothing left in my stomach but the convulsions just kept happening. I've never been so violently sick in my life. Memories and awareness flowing of what was forced down my throat over and over again not to mention what wound up in my stomach, as I was sitting there with my face over the toilet. Can you imagine?
Again, if you watch the video you get the idea. There is more to that girl in the video also but that's another post.
AND it gets weirder. But I'm committed at this point. I need to follow through with my story, getting this part of it out of me so it doesn't fester there any longer.
After I joined the support group something strange happened. An unexplained injury surfaced. There was this bloody scratch that showed up on the inside of my crotch inside my left leg. I should have taken a photo maybe but I didn't think about it although I did tell my husband about it. I didn't injure myself but this painful unexplained scrape mark showed up and it hurt to walk. It also had me wondering about other experiences I've had of really strange injuries showing up, small ones. I've had these deep black bruises show up from time to time, just randomly over the years, only I never expected anything like this behind them all this time. Well, I sat quietly with my focus and 'went into' a sense of what the heck is this about? Over this huge, nasty scrape. More memories of the rape came in, along with tears for me clearing it. The injury was gone within a day, and it seemed unnaturally severe to me for not having a 'provable' cause.
I believe I was pulled out of time somehow by a technology I can't explain, to account for the missing time. This was 19 years ago. But my understanding at this point was that there were multiple people involved, and they had me for four days, doing their worst.
There is another part of this recall experience I want to share because it goes back to my original point, about Indigos and their ability to die and then come back. I just needed to go through it all organically to get to this part, so you get the idea.
I've been living in this house for just over four years now. Not very long after we first got here, I had yet another super strange paranormal experience. I think we had been here for less than a year, but I'm having trouble placing it now. Although I did mention it in at least one of my journals. This is going back in time before I had put this idea of Indigos and coming back to life, together in my head. Although looking back I'm kindof surprised it took me so long, with what I had already.
I woke up in the middle of the night one night to the very loud and shocking sound of a large caliber handgun going off, next to my right ear. I bolted out of sleep, totally disoriented and I threw on clothes and got out of my house as fast as I could. I had never had anything like this happen to me before and I was very freaked out. I went to two different neighbor's houses not sure what to do but feeling like I needed help. They were both pretty freaked out. Now I'm not sure why I did that, it seems wrong ... I don't know what they could have done, or what I expected. Only that I was severely dissociated when it happened and I was trying to be sensible. I thought it was a real gun going off, and I was pretty scared that something like, my husband had shot himself or something had happened. I wandered around for awhile on the dirt road in front of my house and then I finally calmed down enough to go back home and go back to bed. I seriously still did not know what to expect when I woke up. I think I even slept with the light on. Not the first time that's happened since then either.
So I woke up and everything was okay. Except that my next door neighbor told on me. He caught up with my husband at the grocery store and let him have it over me, or so I understand. Husband confronted me some time later and I told him the whole story, what I just shared with you. But that gunshot sound at point blank range was pretty hard to forget.
That was like, three years ago now?
So in the therapy group, starting in May. This experience was one of the first ones I talked about, the gunshot in my right ear and me wandering around the road close to my house during the night in a totally dissociated state. Another memory surfaced. This time seemed to be at the end of it all, the rape. I was a bloody beaten mess. The memory was, one of the participants just snapped and couldn't stand it any longer. I guess they decided to put me out of my misery 'cause I was still alive and I am pretty sure they hadn't broken my spirit. But I clearly saw, from out of my body, someone walk up to me very suddenly and put this gun to my head on the right side and pull the trigger. I will never forget that sound. Also after that I developed a tic in my left cheek. It was my sense that I was experiencing where the bullet came OUT, on the side of my face.
How can it be real?????
Well at this point I had run into the Ray Chandler Q information and I was putting things together. I think they killed me a couple of times during the rape too, and I came back before it was over. In fact I think they knew what to look for and they waited for it. Twice. Having things forced down my throat and being unable to breathe. I stopped breathing. I think it accounts for some of the sleep apnea that I have experienced.
So I wasn't totally sure YET. But I was getting there fast.
Oh yeah. I was going to share this too, another piece of information or recall. A vision. I've come to believe that I have a 'list' of people who get these posts. I was sent a message one time of 241 views down in the lower right hand corner of the post page, next to the little eye. Only that's not what it really said. Sometimes I trigger those on the list and I have visions or insights about the people reading. After I had been dealing with that gunshot thing and in therapy, it hasn't been all that long. Lets see, May. Almost three months now since my support group started. I had a vision of someone from my post list looking at some large, forensic photographs. So someone took pictures. Proof? Anyway, I saw a person holding this file and for a second I saw this photograph. It was just a flash, my subconscious tries to be kind to me when it has to show me this kind of stuff. It was a full color 8 x 10 photograph taken from the perspective of the top of the head and face of someone who had just experienced something extremely violent. Bloody and mishapen, hard to make out details. Was there a gunshot wound? I think there may have been. This about clinched it for me, my belief.
I had pneumonia last January and I was very sick over nearly a month. More memories surfaced. I do my own medicine, I've told you guys this. I took care of myself and dealt with the pneumonia okay, but I was having a LOT of trouble breathing. In fact over the months before this (this was the most intense time of these rape memories being revealed to me) I had been experiencing a lot of trouble breathing at different times, especially when I was trying to sleep. So I learned to prop myself up very carefully so that I wouldn't stop breathing during sleep. I guess I didn't realize how bad it was? I think now that if I had been in a hospital I would have been hooked up to a respirator.
Anyway, there were two experiences a few hours apart, when I had pneumonia. Two more NDE's.
I had the light on and it was late, I was propped up on my pile of pillows and blanket. And I was exhausted. I slipped off into sleep and I had this dream, where I was falling and falling in a dimly lit space. Then all of a sudden before I would have hit the floor, something caught me. I was only a few feet off the ground. As I was waking up I saw this image, still from the dream. I was looking into a spot of light, and there was a ship. Like an antique ship with sails. Just sitting there waiting. There was a dark blue circle of light around it. Then I woke up. Out of breath.
A few hours later, something very similar. I had left the light on still and I was hunched up on my pillows. I had another dream that didn't really feel like a dream. Which was just like the last one. I remember moving forward through a massive hallway to this bulkhead door. There were layers to this door and they opened from outward to inward in slow motion. Before I crashed into the bulkhead door I stopped and it started to open, really slowly. In slow motion. That was also the falling sensation in the other dream. Slow motion falling. I was face to face with this huge opening door, like out of an X-Men or Aliens movie. Then I woke up, again out of breath. Or possibly the moment I was coming back to life.
So these are some of my death experiences as an Indigo. Not all of them though. These have led me to a few more, even yet. You get the idea. These are my experiences, but I know of other people who have had them.
My friend from the support group has an experience. She says her husband put a loaded gun to her chest and fired. Only she thought the gun jammed, that it didn't go off. I told her my story and she had time to absorb it. She's now questioning what really happened in this situation with her soon to be ex husband. She says there was a fight with him sometime after it where he was drunk and he was screaming at her that she should be dead, that he shot her!!
My husband has had a few NDE's in his childhood. This is how I found mine, as parallels. The original seven. Only there's one that I saw that he doesn't know about, or at least, I never told him. One of those tearful vision sessions and trying to help people in my life that I actually know and care about, instead of just the world at large. He was five years old, and I was looking down at the broken body of a little boy. I never understood that when I saw it, but I think I do now.
There are dear people in my life who I feel have also had Indigo rape/death experiences and this article is part of me reaching out to them, telling my story. Being brave. Because I hope it helps them to know that they aren't alone, and that I know something happened to them. Something BAD. I think the hardest part of trauma is that victims have a very hard time trusting anyone, and they have a worse time admitting to themselves or to the others around them who care about them and can help, about what happened to them! If they even know. But one problem in our narcissistic society is that experiences like this (hopefully not as bad!) get glossed over and denied. For me, I get triggered into anger when people try to bully me out of my perceptions. There was a time early in this psychic awakening process when I was pretty impressionable. Since my mental breakdown almost 6 years ago though, I think the major lesson I got was to PAY ATTENTION and sort out what is and isn't real (more than I did before), and to my surprise, when I've taken the time to sort things out, there is usually way more proof and validation than what I expected, or what I would have been bullied into believing.
One of the messages I got over all of this on a public forum was, "have the courage to heal." This was before I knew what had happened to me. But I get it now. Like it needs to be gotten by someone. Someone tied to things the way I am and who cares about fixing all of this and the future of real people.
Also knowing The Secret. PERSPECTIVE. I mean, once you know there's a limit to how much bad can happen (that you have very literal power over your own death) and you've dealt with some of that trauma constructively, you know just how powerful you really are.
Namaste.
LR 9/11/2018
Edit, 9/12/2018
Which, I was telepathically urged to do.
That was a difficult post. For those that have been pushing me to make it, maybe you understand. For those I posted it for, thanks for being patient with me and I am sending you love. This is a very long healing road.
The rape was traumatic. I didn't even share it all, what I've gotten and what happened. But when I encountered some of the memories and damage, it triggered me into some early childhood memories that came up that were parallels. Needless to say, it was encountered very early for me in life and very early for it to be a recall experience. What I guess I'm saying here is that I think a lot of people are carrying around a lot of hidden trauma that they are blind to. It explains why our society has been so broken. How our behavior as a society has been so manipulated and controlled.
How to deal with trauma?
Give in to your own pity party and cry for yourself. Seriously.
Its a huge start, letting yourself know that you love it anyway, despite what happened to you!
Be brave.
Know that there had to be a reason.
I believe it was because we had to have our wounds triggered enough to learn and get a hold of them. Like, all of this has happened before to you or to whoever, and this life is about 'the storm' that rebalances and transforms your entire being. So, you have to know. Its all part of understanding who you are. If you aren't here for this - to reclaim your own eternal soul and help free the world by shining your light and truth, then you are wasting your time here.
Don't judge yourself either, for feeling pain, for having a healing process that others find unacceptable, or that you find unacceptable. But find safe ways and safe space for you to come to terms. There's Karma, and then there's Original Cause.
Here's a very relevant article. Another dimension to all of this.
Quite probably connected to the soul contracts of many Indigos.
I wrote this, it says, 8 months ago:
The Importance of Healing Death
https://steemit.com/indigo/@mymoontao/sample-post-indigo-stories
Thanks for reading.
LR 9/12/2018
My Story Fiona Barnett - "Hang on for the Ride"
https://cathyfox.wordpress.com/2015/11/30/my-story-fiona-barnett-hang-on-for-the-ride/?fbclid=IwAR3YDT8J55TMAxMhP9RnNHrUHIOOvmRneJIQnAFpQ2LyEcgWCJjjsS3swms
What is Delayed Recall?
When You Don't Remember Your Sexual Assault
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a25700541/delayed-recall-sexual-assault-recovered-memories/?fbclid=IwAR1La3WD7yjk9eFUTobK_yudpQmFBUrTsqumiUi7Z46QypiZlV4afZFxglE
