My first Real Healing article, Part I was about staying the course. When you have so much healing to do that it looks as if you are a liability. I've been thinking about this all day.
So I guess, part of this one is going deeper than just staying on course. As in perhaps, what winds up making it all worthwhile? Or maybe silver linings. There's always a reason.
I've said this before. One of the most insane aspects of expanding one's consciousness is finding gratitude for really bad experiences. The purpose they serve. Also I think that for some of us, the ability to withstand these traumatic life events adds up to a lot more than for most people. I think it comes down to literally being able to shift the course of the Path itself. Once you've mastered it, or at least been able to travel it for awhile ... finding yourself still here.
I think the point for such beings is to be able to withstand the reason or purpose for traumatic life events and then change the need for them. Maybe a clearing of Karma in one sense? Or a reset. Healing your life path enough that you affect the life path around you for the better. Enough to stop needing negative experiences for learning or growth.
I meant to speak to the ability to really find love based power within yourself, so much of it that you can forgive unforgivable events. Because this is where we are in this day and age... a serious need to find a way to breach the gap, to forgive and be grateful, for even the most horrendous of crimes against one's person.
I think something that happens with Indigos is that we tend to run into SO MUCH of this personal trauma!! I think a lot of Indigos wind up being ... broken by it. Scarred. Bitter. Unable to come to terms. And rightly so. Sort of. I mean, despite the fact that we lose so much of our soul memory, I think we knew what we were getting into. Remembering that can be quite a trick.
Again, from my last RH article, I think its a matter of staying power. Getting THROUGH so much. So much that it changes you in ways that become out of your control, but also in ways that defy your own judgments. That FINALLY wind up surprising you! In my case I can say that I am such a powerful being in some ways that I am able to resist my own ... breakdown and transformation. My own evolution. Its like I am like the ocean, always breaking myself against the rocks. Maybe I need those rocks because they are stronger than I am.
Also after recently making some huge breakthroughs, I find myself completely surprised at my own strength. The things I've survived! And the gifts I gained from those experiences.
But it can be very confusing. I think almost nobody ever gets to this point of appreciation and transformation.
I don't know. Sigh.
This is the kind of thinking that gets me through it all. When I find things that most people would not be able to come to terms with. There always has to be a reason! And also, I feel a sense of responsibility. Like, if I have to go through all of this terrible trauma and suffering, then make it count. Make it not having been a waste of time to have gone through it, have it serve an important purpose.
Kindof like, fasting. I hate fasting. But it is a very effective and intense healing tool. I've learned tremendous discipline from fasting. Usually what happens is, I get to the point where I've gotten far enough, with something that is so miserable to have to go through. Knowing that it has to happen, that its the remedy needed... I HATE having wasted the time I put into it. I don't want to have to start over and have lost whatever progress I have made. So I always find the strength to keep going with it as long as I need to.
Which reminds me of another metaphor I was thinking about earlier. BIRTH.
When I had my babies, the thing I remember most about it was, having to stay so focused on what was happening to me, despite terrible pain. You lose your perspective of time, breathing carefully through every moment and every contraction. There's no going back. Very literally, it was like looking down a long dark tunnel with a light way off in the distance. You have to keep going. There's no going anywhere other than through it to the end.
I feel so far in this article like I am really just beating around the bush, not quite getting to the point. I wrote an article or two in recent months about DACA. That I believe it is a legal front for pedophilia in our country, and that losing it would ... end the supply of children becoming victims of this perverse culture of power and black magic. When I wrote that, I 'got' a message. It was "have the courage to heal, its all that's left."
Yeah and I said that before I found the depth of my own wounds.
Easier said than done? Maybe. Ironic as well.
So I've been having flashbacks of a rape that happened to me as part of this Indigo craziness that I didn't know anything about. It happened many years ago, thankfully. The flashbacks started two summers ago, slow at first. Then picking up speed and intensity in recent months. Really recently, memories have been surfacing of sexual abuse and trauma from early childhood that I didn't know about either. I think they are connected. Like, because they follow a similar pattern, the recovery of some memories lead to the recovery of other memories of similar experiences. I hope the idea is to get to a point where I've seen everything and can embrace everything that's happened to me. Having grieved the loss of myself in these experiences so I can have myself back as a transformed being.
Also your sense of time shifts. I mean, I keep hoping for members of my soul tribe or my sacred family to show up in my life. I think they are there, pretty close by. I'm always so impatient. I think this specific type of abuse creates an artificial sexuality? One that's imprinted on the person experiencing it. Like, there's always a sense of wanting to hurry up and get to the relationship, sexually and otherwise. I've been so sure that this is what I need. But now I don't know for sure. I mean, after all this time and all this processing, I feel like I've finally gotten to my core issues. That 'staying the course' issue is intensified. I think, that given who I am, I started from the furthest point from myself in my own process. Working from outward to inward. "Collecting the World" as I go. Finally reaching the issues that affect ME, the most, possibly at the very end of it all. It feels in some ways like now, the real work begins. For myself. Maybe the rest of it was for everyone else. So standing my ground and having patience for my own process NOW, becomes critical. Maybe there's some getting to know myself better, before these relationships get going. Or maybe its like a courtship in a sense and those of us Indigos involved need more time with each other to let each other in and get to know each other. Like, starting the connection from a safe and loving and patient place. Having to wait for certain outcomes, like maybe a sexual union, could be a very good thing in the end here. I think there may be a lot to talk about first.
But don't hold me to that. Ha ha. Whatever it takes - the healing process. I mean, I think one thing I've learned is, to let go of judgments. Not that I don't still do it. But I'm aware. In fact I think that the most recent gift I am given from the recall of these memories and me, processing my own reaction to what happened is, to recognize the root of my black and white thinking!! So 'either/or' I can be ... so controlling about so many things. I've come a long way in my perspective here, my ability to embrace the gray areas. But still, that old flip of a coin one way or the other still comes up when I least expect it. Maybe where I have had the least conscious awareness. God says in RUOW that we have to let the light of understanding enter in where there has been only darkness.
Also I think that it is very important to recognize that all perpetrators started out as victims. I mean, I think if we are powerful healers, we have to find the strength to find and ground ourselves in our compassion. Also our boundaries, despite that compassion for our enemies. Or our most beloved friends! But the point being, to change this awful cycle of violence for the better. End it. No more 'an eye for an eye.' Like Ghandi said, it makes the whole world blind.
Is that why we can't see ourselves?
Humanity, I mean.
Namaste.
LR 5/31/2018