Its Just Me

So I'm pretty certain I was received, with my messages from yesterday.

Last night I was locked out of here for awhile. A '504' message. So there was that. I probably would have wound up writing a third message yesterday otherwise, as connected as I felt.

Husband ran out of here this morning seeming kindof stressed out. I asked cards about it and they seemed to be telling me that somebody 'got on his case' ... quite possibly because I shared that he's still dangerous. Thanks. Its a good start.

I feel that there are a lot of misunderstandings!! Over a lot of things. This is why I have always worked so hard to write publicly, so at least my version of my own experiences are being communicated somehow. I would like to have a chance to do more of that again. FCN (FreedomCrowsNest Forum) was my best place for that. Its been harder finding that inner space to put certain things down in writing since then and I'm still finding it.

Now that we are getting close to connecting, there seems to always be an overwhelming amount of interference. Which probably makes sense. Once it actually happens it will change everything.

I came here to the computer a little while ago, totally motivated and full of ideas to share. Now I am drawing a blank. Stage fright?

I know.

I expect direct contact at some point soon. Although I've been over and over and over this in my mind, it still throws me off. So maybe it does for others too? My life is pretty controlled and isolated, and the only thing I tend to imagine is, someone coming to the front door in person. I've also thought that all of it could be a whole lot easier, with husband and son and their cell phones. I mean, if things were comfortable enough between us as a family for them to share things with me at your direction, or let me know what is going on. Have them communicate with me first and then connect with the others. Or to have them in on it, rather than surprised by it. I think there is still sorting going on also, because most of the people connected to my husband and son, at least as far as I've been able to tell, have not been working in my favor, or have been part of a rogue and quite possibly, illegal 'Intel' op. Illegal since President Trump took office. Or illegal since we aren't on Old Earth anymore. Something. I suspect that I may have a lot of it mixed up also, given all of the deception and even the drugs I've been passed.

Another possibility is the internet. I have Facebook and email. I don't know if there is a way to disarm or neutralize the shock that I expect to encounter, but I have thought it might be this. I don't know.

I am aware that there are surveillance devices in my environment, I often or occasionally talk to them! LOL. It used to crack me up, thinking of my husband's reaction to overhearing me talking to "myself" ... probably thinking I've lost it. It still makes me giggle, thinking about it. Humor is good. Anyway. I sometimes talk to the monitors and then write it down or post a photo about something I've spoken out loud on my end, as a trigger for those seeing it. My thought is, that it is grounding for those on the other side. For me at least, all of this can be really dissociative at times ... I think its a defense mechanism for handling extreme stress.

That's one of my strategies for making connections.

I have a silly selfie to share. When I was thinking about posting it, my thought was ... this is what I look like a LOT of the time! Just regular me, hanging out at home. Normally I consider photos I would share, like for my Facebook avatar, something kindof formal. Or you want to look your best. Well groomed at least. Due to many health issues I often run around in my pajamas. Some days it is very late when I get dressed or I wind up not getting dressed at all. Dressed as in, normal clothes, not pajamas and bathrobe.

So if you come to the door, it is quite possible that this is the me you would run into. The idea is, relax. Take a deep breath. Its just me.

I love the silly look on my face here.