The party I am so hell bent on stopping is The Self Pity Parties, from time to time we find ourselves hosting or being subtly invited into by others. When we were young, a grown up seemed like the most coolest thing there is, but being a young means one is most of the time lost in a bubble of ignorance, building fantasy upon fantasy about how life should span out once one grows up. All of a sudden we can't wait to be an adult too.
We eventually leave the bubble and came face to face with what it entails not to be a kid anymore, not be under a protective shield, filtering out bad or harsh perceptions and only letting in good perceptions, which leads to the formation of a rather ineffective belief system about what life really entails.
We all handle that transition when the bubble is finally busted differently. Some quickly adapt and realign with the new reality, but for many that transition is not so smooth, and that feeling of everything and everyone is against us; self pity slowly starts to anchor its roots in oneself.
When things don't go as planned, we fail in our classes, fail to meet expectations we had set for ourselves, basically things just go wrong, we can't help but indulge in feeling sorry for ourselves. Coincidentally it is during those times when our minds are full of the past experiences where we were wronged or things didn't go as planned, and this goes to reinforce the feeling that the world is against us and we cannot help ourselves but seek externally for pity and validation.
Self pity according to Wikipedia: is an emotion "directed towards others with the goal of attracting attention, empathy, or help" and one in which the subject feels sorry for themselves. A conversation such as this is highly avoided, with many of us choosing not to admit to either ourselves or even others that there are times when rationality ceases and all we can is feel sorry for ourselves and find ways to redirect the blame to others for why we are feeling the way we are feeling.
But despite the conversation being a difficult one, it is also a very crucial one, one way or the other we will either be the hosts of such parties or be invitees to similar parties without our conscious awareness. I've had my fair share of such parties; being the host to my own parties and choosing not to invite anyone else. I have also been to such parties, recently being to such a party is what actually led me to want to have this tough conversation.
“Self pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”
― John Gardner
How we seek this external validation and attention varies from person to person. We have those who prefer not to invite people to the party but rather host and invite themselves only to the party. One wants to be stuck in this mental state feeling sad, helpless and as if one is broken or there is something inherently wrong with their being. Back when I used to host such parties this was what was my way of doing it, on the outside all would seem alright but on the inside it was all about sulking, feeling lonely, and so much anger and resentment towards how unfair I thought my situations were.
Others choose to host and then invite others to these parties by sharing with others how things are not going well for them, wearing their problems as an identity badge, choosing to be only identified with problems since they are aware that with problems people will always give them attention, which is what they are subtly seeking. One enjoys being pitied, because deep down one craves attention, and without that attention one feels like no one really cares or loves them.
As to why we throw these parties it varies from person to person, for some it arises as the result of the ego not wanting to let go of problems, others it is for a chance to escape personal responsibility.
It is rather hard for the Ego to let go of problems as it is part of its identity. According to Eckhart Tolle:
If no one will listen to my sad story, I can tell it to myself in my head, over and over, and feel sorry for myself, and so have an identity as someone who is being treated unfairly by life or other people, fate or God. It gives definition to my self-image, makes me into someone, and that is all that matters to the ego.”
―Eckhart Tolle
Many people fear blending into the masses, we want to have a story worth telling, and stories like that often entail some kind of suffering. It sells. Not only sells in a literal sense, but it makes us seem more interesting when we’re out there in the world, because a person who seems like a victim is considered worthy of attention, comfort and care, unlike someone who has it easy, or seems to have it easy. Now sometimes, we hold on to our self-inclined victim narrative, not because we seek comfort from others, but because we fear what we’ll be left with if we let go of it. Without all the drama, complaining and problems, who will I be? We all say we want peace and serenity but do we really, or is part of us afraid life will be boring and uninspiring?
―Lana Blakely
For those who do it to avoid personal responsibility it is all about surrendering oneself into the victim mentality. Being a victim, one completely surrenders all personal responsibility, giving oneself the permission to blame some externality for any negative situation one experiences. When finally things do go not as planned, one seeks out pity in order to reinforce victim hood, or rather the victim mentality which makes it rational to abdicate all personal responsibility of take action towards changing one's current situation.
These all may seem as if I am trying to invalidate feeling pain from time to time when we face hardships, but no it is not. Opening up about or emotions and struggles is definitely crucial for the relationships we have, but before opening up I think it is worth taking just but a minute to fully be conscious of why we are actually opening up, so as to avoid being hosts of these parties and seeking albeit subtly the pity and attention from those willing to listen to us.
Trust me I know how hard it is to establish better habits on how to deal with adversities when they arise. But despite being hard, it is possible.
