Grief. Despair. The pain is too much for me to handle.
"I want to end this life of mine thinking how unlucky I am to have this kind of life. Just not long ago my mother passed away, and now, the body of my girlfriend Shana right in front of me, lying and cold. Her body couldn't take the illness anymore, after suffering for how many months and after I worked hard to make sure she could survive."
I let my tears flood, endlessly falling, it didn't stop as I kept on thinking about the memories we had together. I lost interest in living, I can't find a reason to keep on living. She's the one who just inspired me and now, she left me in this world of mine full of loneliness.
"Why so unfair, Lord?!"
I look up high, gritting my teeth, so angry for what happened to this stupid life.
"What else do you want now? Just go on, take my being so everything will be over or else let me forget everything!"
I shouted facing the sky, hopeless, weeping but I didn't know who should be blamed from the beginning.
"Shana-----!"
Anguish until no more tears fall, yet the pain doesn't leave me alone. I'm out of voice from crying but still, my chest suffocates me. I cry and cry, hugging the body of Shana.
"Nair----Nair", someone's calling my name.
I opened my eyes wondering who was calling me.
"Enough sleeping, it's almost 7 in the morning. Are you not afraid to get late for your work?"
"Who are----you?" I whispered and when I saw who called me, a memory of her suddenly appeared in my mind.
This woman is Trina and she's my wife. We got married 2 years ago, and 2 years after my girlfriend Shana died.
" Wait--, how, and why?"
I'm clueless about what's happening right now, all of a sudden it turned out like this. Even though I have memories of her, the feeling and the words that I feel towards her are not easy to construct to express. It feels like it was just yesterday that my girlfriend died, the pain faded already but the memories are still fresh.
"Okay, I will take a bath first."
I saw myself naked when I removed the blanket. I suddenly feel ashamed being naked in front of her. I covered the blanket and walked fast to go to the bathroom.
"What's wrong with you, Nair?"
Trina laughs at how I acted, she's confused and thinks I'm joking.
"Are you doing that now, Nair?"
I just realized how stupid I was behaving like that, we're married for a long already.
"Sorry," I removed the blanket but still I'm uncomfortable, not sure how to explain what I'm feeling.
I don't know how but my brain tells me to go to that place where I'm working. My feet are taking me there but still, I'm full of confusion, wondering how to adopt this new life easily.
"Hey, Nair."
"Hey, Nair."
People in my workplace keep calling me but I don't know how to respond. I know them, my brain tells me about them and what we did but I can't act like a good friend since I don't feel something special towards them. I forced myself, smiling, comfortably talking, and feeling close to each other. Still, for me, it doesn't feel right as if I'm fooling them because I don't feel anything special towards them.
It's been over a week already and I think they noticed me keeping my distance from them. They talked to me seldomly, when there's work-related and some work problems, but friendly chat. They're not doing it anymore, perhaps they could tell of the way how I isolated myself from them. I know they don't understand what's happening to me, all of a sudden I'm acting like this but it can't be helped. I don't know how to fool myself because every time I'm being friendly I feel awkward inside of me.
"Let's eat Nair."
"I'm done outside, sorry I'm tired from work."
I know a lot of people are wondering what happened to my behavior these days. It's fine for me because I don't feel anything towards them, however, Trina is different. The memories in my thoughts keep on showing me scenes that my attitude towards her was so sweet.
"What's happening, Nair? Is there something wrong, please tell me. I will understand if you don't love me anymore, just tell me, please you're killing me."
I can't bear watching Trina crying, my memories of her reminding me how sweet I was with her. She's kind, caring and she loves me so much. I remember how I kept telling her, in the morning when I left and in the evening when I arrived home. I kept telling her I love you and she was so happy with those simple words.
"Please, don't cry Trina. I'm so sorry, it's not what you think. I'm not being unfaithful to you, I assure you that."
"But why, the words and the feelings of how you love me so much are still fresh in my heart, then why now?"
"Sorry, but you will not understand for sure--"
I stopped talking as I felt in my heart remembering how I love her. Pain is almost the same as when Shana left me.
"Wait, wait, what is this?"
I whispered when I felt my eyes getting wet because of the tears slowly falling. The pain came back, piercing my heart with nails and something in my chest suffocates me.
"Wait, what's going on, why now?"
I continued whispering and slowly, Trina was fading in my sight.
"Nair-"
Someone was calling again and I don't know how it happened but I opened my eyes even though I already opened them when I saw Trina cry. But when I opened it I saw the dead body in front of me, still hugging her.
"It was all a dream after all?"
I said to myself, feeling relieved it was just a dream but at the same time feeling of regrets. I now understand why I had a dream like that because I wished to forget everything and just moved on. When I was ready to accept my new life and it became like this. Even so, I decided to live my life in the present because I can worry about the future when that time comes. It might be painful but I must face it because it's part of my life. I don't want to escape from what's happening now because it will teach me how to become strong in the future.
2 years later…..
"Nair---"
I smiled because I could recognize who that voice was calling me. I looked back smiling towards Trina where she's sitting outside waiting for me.
END..
mrnightmare