I was just sitting in the bathtub and as often happens when my mind settles and I relax, I start to remember things I haven't thought of for a while.
I love being in warm water as it eases any tensions I may be carrying and in that release, again, my mind starts to open up.
My mind wandered to the subject of happiness. I was brought back to one specific period in my life where I felt a lot of happiness. It caused me to wonder:
When have I experienced true happiness in my life?
I am thankful there are many memories of experiences when I have felt pure open happiness, yet there is one type of happiness that came to the forefront of my mind just now.
Outside of Dallas, Texas
When I met Ini, he kept bringing up the Vipassana retreat as a lifechanging experience for him. I had heard of this from others and as I was really digging this Ini guy, it really solidified my desire to TRY THIS THING!
For those not familiar, Vipassana is a meditation experience that goes for 10 days during which you're silent the entire time.
You learn a meditation technique sculpted by this guy Goenka, but it's really an inspired refabricating of techniques gathered from India. You meditate alone and with the entire community, gathering for meals 3 times a day, remaining in silence the entire time.
The first time I went to one I probably experienced some of the most pure moments of happiness I'd ever had in my life.
I was living outside of Los Angeles at the time and took a greyhound bus to this retreat center in Texas. Nearly 2 days on a bus was a bit much, but it got me there.
The center in Texas is one of their biggest and nicest facilities (they're all over the world) and we each got our own room and bathroom- kind of rare I know now as I've been to others and usually you share a room/bathroom. It was perfect for me to get my own room during this time as one of the things I loved most about this retreat was the opportunity to be in silence and basically ALONE the entire time.
In fact, during those 10 days increasingly as layers were peeled back through the silence and developing quiet mind, I felt that the space of aloneness was so nourishing.
It was like my body was feeding on the silence, and in the lack of activity, my mind and soul were being strengthened.
Sometimes it's still difficult for my mind to grasp: that in the absence of activity, of "doing" anything, "thinking" anything, "being" anything, that I found the greatest happiness.
So often the things outside of us pull us in offering us happiness if we buy this thing, have this experience, eat this meal or drink this drink, smoke this thing, have sex with this person, have X number of friends, reach $$$that amount in the bank, etc. And during this time, when I had almost nothing in the bank, was single, far from my then home, eating little, drinking nothing but water, not having sex or masturbating, not consuming books, television, etc etc etc that I was happiness.
A poem by the beloved Hafiz comes to mind:
I know the voice of depression
Still calls to you.
I know those habits that can ruin your life
Still send their invitations.
But you are with the Friend now
And look so much stronger.
You can stay that way
And even bloom!
Learn to recognize the counterfeit coins
That may buy you just a moment of pleasure,
But then drag you for days
Like a broken man
Behind a farting camel…
O keep squeezing drops of the Sun
From your prayers and work and music
And from your companions’ beautiful laughter
And from the most insignificant movements
Of your own holy body.
Now, sweet one,
Be wise.
Cast all your votes for dancing!
What a paradox that in the absence of these things, these counterfit coins, and in fact only in the peace of mind did a very pure and particular spacious happiness arise.
In fact, it's humorous that in a world that promises so much happiness outside of us, there is actually a wealth of happiness inside of us if we only uncover it.