I was bored as fuck one weekend and had nothing to do. I searched and searched and searched for something to entertain me. But I came up with nothing. I was as bored as a gay man in a tit bar. Clipping my fingernails even sounded as fun as a free trip to Disney land at this point. But then I remembered I had already clipped them yesterday. And you can only clip them so much before those little fuckers start to hurt and bleed, and if you wipe your ass with no finger nails, you're doomed. Anyways! I decided to head out to my friend Fred's apartment. I was hoping that he would have something entertaining for us to do. But boy was I wrong. When I entered his apartment he was sitting on the couch with his shirt off and a beer in his hand. Gnats were flying all around his apartment. Probably creeping through the windows to find out what that ridiculous stench was that was coming from his apartment. I was just as curious as the gnats too. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT STENCH! It seemed the gnats were digging a trench in Fred's chest hair. They were swarming all around him. This was pretty damn nasty and I offered Fred a chance to get out of this messy apartment for awhile. I told him we'd be going for a drive around to see if we can find anything to do. Growing up in a small Missouri town there's not always something to do at any given moment. So you'd have to improvise and find things to do. So we did! Right before leaving Fred's apartment for a little drive he said he had to stop by the laundry room to throw in some clothes before we head out. After putting the clothes in the washer we got in my car and started to drive around. We took some back roads that were really wooded areas with lots of trees and lakes. After driving up a couple hilly roads I saw something lumpy in the road. A gray little fur ball that I couldn't make out. What was this thing? As I slowly inched my way towards it I recognized it was road kill. Usually I don't stop for dead animals on the road but this occasion was special. I was bored! As I got out of the car my knees buckled. The stench coming from that dead carcass was overwhelming. The only way I can even begin to describe that smell is something of a cross between a propane explosion and seahorse cum. I mean it was horrific. Fred started to wonder why I left my car idle in the middle of the road and was staring at a dead animal in the middle of the road. He yelled from the passenger seat “come on man, lets go!” As I turned around and started to get back into the car I decided we were on to something. I don't think I just happened to find this dead animal by accident. OH NO! This was something more. This was by fate! I realize I see tons of dead road kill in Missouri all the time. It's part of the scenery. But something told me this one was special. So I opened the trunk of the car and looked for something to pick up the grey bloody fur ball with. The only thing I could find was an old red and black squared flannel Jacket. “It had to do!” I thought aloud. So I grabbed it and approached the recently deceased. As I picked it up a mountain of insects flopped from the gaping hole in its side. Maggots, flies, beetles and of course Gnats! This was reminiscent of Fred's apartment, stench and gnats but this was 1000 times worse. I was holding the beast by the tail and I had the flannel wrapped around my hands. There is no way I was going to touch this thing with my bare hands. Just then I realized what it was. A Possum! I turned to Fred and holding the dead possum up high I yelled “It's a possum!” Just then a mangled heart came flopping out of the possum and nearly landed on my shoe. As I jumped to dodge the heart Fred started screaming. I started screaming too. But once I got over it I opened the trunk and threw the possum in and drove off. Now at this point Fred looked like he was a vegetable that was in a coma for months. His eyes were wide open and his face expressionless. Then he gently said in a low voice “why the fuck is there a dead possum in the trunk.” I responded without a moment of pause “we need to do something with this” I said. So I hopped back on the freeway heading back towards Fred's apartment not knowing what we were going to do yet. Just as I got on to the freeway it hit us. That dead possum smell! It seemed as if it just instantly engulfed the whole car with its fumes! Now I had lived almost 2 decades at this point in my life and I had never smelled anything this bad before. I was swerving on the freeway trying not to breathe. We both rolled the windows down as fast as our hands would let us and stuck our heads out the window. Fred was spitting up, I could tell he was fighting back some vomit. I knew driving on the freeway at 65 mph with the stench of death emanating from your trunk is not the smartest thing to do, but I guess I can say I wasn't bored anymore. Once we got to Fred's apartment he jumped out of the car before I could come to a complete stop. I followed close behind and we sat on the curb and tried to regain our composure. I honestly thought I had fried a few brain cells with this amazing odor. I almost felt inebriated. I was dizzy and clueless. After about 12 minutes passed Fred said “I have to check on my laundry real quick. He left to check his laundry. As he entered the apartment complex and the laundry room he looked at his machine and realized his clothes needed to be put in the dryer. As he started to transfer his clothes from the washer to a dryer he stopped dead and his tracks and looked behind him. And yes, YES! There I was holding the dead possum by the tail with the flannel jacket. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE WITH THAT” Fred shouted. “Get it out of here now!” he said. But I stood there like a pillar of stone. I wasn't going anywhere. “I know what we have to do with this now” I said. As I looked at a dryer about 5 down from the one Fred was loading. I saw someone's clothes were in cycle trying to dry. So I went over there, tossed the possum and the flannel jacket in the dryer with the clothes and started the drying process again. “That is my neighbor's clothes” Fred whined. “I don't care” I told Fred. “Fate works in mysterious ways”. I could tell he didn't want to piss off his neighbors, but what could he do about it? It was already done. I seriously doubt he'd open the drying and get anywhere near that possum. We were getting ready to go back to his apartment as we heard a loud THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! We both turned to the dryer with the possum in it and experienced an amazing site. Now luckily these were old fashion style dryers and had the clear circular glass in front so you can see the cloths in rotation drying. We saw that little possum bounce up and down left and right in such interesting patterns. It looked like body builder lesbians were playing hacky sack with the little fellow. The way it was flopping and flailing I could swear it was defying all the laws of physics and gravity as it honestly looked unreal or animated. Even though it looked unreal, me and Fred both new it was real, and that's what made us happy and at peace. After watching that acrobatic possum for about 30 minutes, Fred put the rest of his clothes in the dryer and started his load. We walked to his apartment and started watching TV. It wasn't 20 minutes or so before we hear it. Yep, it was discovered. I'm guessing by the owner of the clothes judging by what heard. It was a scream. Not just any old scream, but a scream that nearly shook the whole apartment complex. This was a scream that made the gnats fly it waves, because it threw them off balance. This scream could make an unholy man find religion. It was scary. I knew what was next to come in situations like this. Most likely the police would arrive. Seeing as how I was parked right outside the apartment with the car I was driving that smelled just like possum, I decided I'd better leave. I didn't want to risk being seen running out of Fred's apartment and past the laundry room where the victim was. So I decided to jump from the window. I kind of forgot Fred's apartment was a 3 rd story apartment and I nearly broke my ankle. As I limped my way back to the car and drove off I realized my dad was going to have to use this car to drive to work tonight. You see I didn't own a car at the time so I had to use my parents. So I accomplished making my parent's car the worst smelling car in Missouri . As I drove home I took a much needed shower and jumped in bed. I was exhausted. I woke up several hours later to the sound of vicious pounding and screaming on my door. It sounded like a 67 year old retarded man just saw the ice cream truck. As I slowly opened the door there was my dad screaming in a womanly voice “Who shit in my car, what the fuck is that smell! He was furious I tell you. I didn't know what to say at first but I told him it was the engine I thought. A nasty smell coming from the air conditioning vents. I could tell he didn't buy my bullshit story. “Where the fuck is my flannel jacket” He screamed. And I don't even want to tell you the horror that followed. So I won't. It's a whole story in itself that I might write one of these days. But let me just tell you it wasn't pretty.
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