Just a little health update to the aether.

I, like so many other people in this world, have lived my entire life with this... shadow, following me around, reminding me that I'm weak, pathetic, puny. Just whispers, somewhere in the back of the mind.

Enough to make one think oneself as just generally not good enough.

I've been battling my own lack of discipline my entire life. I remember trying to do pushups as a teenager and being please that I almost did 5 one time.

For most the time though, I could maybe do 3. And they hurt.

And so, naturally, I tell myself I'm too weak and to change that would be an insurmountable task, and moved on doing nerdy, effortless things instead, ignoring the voice.

For sure that voice is still here with me - I'm still technically quite a bit overweight, but it was a little over a year ago I decided to do something about it.

I lost 10kg of overall weight and maybe 14-15kg of fat, with 5kg made up in muscle mass.

The progress has been slower than people truly committed to the journey full time, but I know myself, and I know from numerous attempts to sign up to gyms, I just don't go long. As soon as it gets cold outside, or I'm tired after work, I drop it.

But now I've been growing my setup at home, it's been a life changer.

For the first time ever, I can do 20 pushups with ease. It's kind of hard to process that. If any military general yells at me "DROP AND GIMME 20!!", I'll be totally cool with it.

The next challenge: Pull Ups

Man, I never even though about these. But I've been using a door frame pull up bar as an improvised... incline? I put it on the floor creating a wedge shape, a pillow on top, and then I can do bench presses at a slight incline. Because I was too cheap to invest in a proper bench (I have one now).

Well, let me tell you. If you have never done a pull up before, they are WAY harder than they look. Holy crap.

To be honest, I still can't do a single one properly. I can get a chin up about 90% there.

And then there's a wide version where your hands are even further apart - I can't even move beyond just hanging there like a dead fish. I mean wtf??

Well, I used a couple of my resistance bands, tied them on the frame above me and then I hook them around my knee to remove about 30-40kg of my bodyweight so I can at least experience what they should feel like.

(not me)

EVEN THEN, I managed ONE pull up and ONE chin up.

Well it's been a few days and I'm figuring it out. I've already gotten to two sets of five.

This workout is a back muscle thing, and it just goes to show how abandoned my back has been - which explains a LOT of my major posture issues.

But if I told my teenage self that I would be doing 20 pushups and five pull ups when I'm 40, I'd laugh my old self out the door.

Other changes

I've been working on form more than anything else lately. I recorded my pushups and noticed, as always, my left side was doing most the work, with the shoulder notably higher than the right, almost as if my right arm was shorter.

This has been a recurring theme. My left side is stronger in every way. The shoulder is wider, too. Not sure why; I'm right-handed. But it's profoundly irritating when my right side is struggling to lift a bench press while the left side is already at the top waiting smugly.

So yeah I'm trying to balance these things out and with SOME slow success.

I've taken on squats lately too which I for some reason hate doing, and let me tell you, they absolutely wreck you like you've just run a marathon. No other exercise gets me so out of breath. Except Bulgarian Squats.

The End Goal

I have no intention of being ripped. I'm literally an old man now. But I'm just so sick of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm already looking at myself in the mirror, something I'd never do. And beyond that, Looking with a bit of excitement that I can actually notice the difference.

Far more exciting than that is just how much easier life is. It's subtle, you don't tend to think about things that aren't bothering you. But then when I reflect on my day I realise how I dash up the stairs effortlessly, without going out of breath. I get out of cars easily. I can stand up from sitting down without using my hands. I can jump up from kneeling position to my feet.

I have used the strength in ways that impress others by helping them move extremely heavy things at work and home. A whole christmas tree with one arm. My back pain from my herniated discs is gone.

And, nothing aches anymore.

I'm really a long way through to the end of the journey where I just have to maintain things. I'm still overweight. Got another 10kg to drop but I've not bothered with that for a while. But getting rid of the double chin would be fascinating to see what my face looks like. I actually looked pretty gross when I was skinny, I think. Back in my early 20's I was skinny but like, skinny fat. My face looked emaciated even though I was overweight and just pure lard.

I'm wondering if the old version of my face being slim and not so emaciated will look any better. Only one way to find out!