Honestly, I don't know where to start but I just want to share my thoughts since I myself experienced of having it.
The first time I felt it is like letting your self deeply into a thing that you really want to. At first, I thought its just a feeling because I'm tired or I'm just not in the mood, but I was wrong. The more I think about it, the more I want to put my self into it.
When I was in highschool, I know it started to kick in. School for me is a mess, I wish I had a courage to tell to my parents that I don't want to go but I am afraid to be scolded by them. Every night I keep telling to my self that when I close my eyes I don't want to wake up anymore, until I wished for it.
Being a teenager has a lot of things to explore, they always saying that when you hit that age you'll become rebellious. But for me, no. Because even if the person who is smiling and laughing together with you might be suffering to it.
As I carrying it with me, I became hesitant. I always overthink things to the extent that whenever someone is upset, I always blame my self for it. I always blame my self for being stupid, for not being enough, for not being good, for being a worthless friend. I keep whispering to my self that I really need to die.
I keep doing things with my self when I'm at home, I don't want to be bothered, I just wanted to cry in the dark room and I don't want anyone would see me, because I don't want to be a burden to my family. I remember my Mother and I had an argument because of she didn't understand what was happening and what came up to me, until she accidentally grab a handful of my hair because I know she's mad for what I am doing. For all of the pain and sadness in my chest, I shouted "Please kill me!" leaving them dumbfounded. I kept a distance to them, knowing if that happens again I know what to do, it's either I will hang my self or l will let my self hit by a random car in a road.
Cutting a partial hair and slashing my self is the only thing I let out my frustrations, it sounds crazy but it relieves me. It makes me happy just like I want to die at the moment. Seeing scars from it is like you achieve a great thing in life even if you have to hide it because no one understands what you're going through.
They look at you as a crazy person, because they believe that no person who is in their state mind to do or think such kind of things, and the last thing that it could be such hard to have it is their criticism. You didn't choose to have it, it feels like it chooses you have it and that's the part where you want to give up your life.
I have friends, yes. But I didn't share what's happening to me because I can't handle any judgement and I'm afraid that I will bother them just to look out for me. I just let them see me as happy and friendly person. I even gave them an advice even though I can't apply it to my self.
Having some sorts of dying thoughts is so addicting, it's like choosing your favorite chocolates to the least one. It's so hard, really hard. For everytime you were zoning out, that's the only thing that keeps running through your mind. No matter how hard you want to express it you'll ended up embracing it alone.
When I was in College, I started to meet new faces and hoping for some changes. I always keep my self on track knowing it will start to attack at anytime. I think of a way on how I can block thoughts and how to stop from hurting my self again. I always leave it hanging in the end because I don't want to be into it anymore.
Everytime I want to loose control, I just let it pass. I don't know what happen until it just stop. I didn't go for a check ups or do some taking meds. But everytime I want to harm my self I become afraid, my heart is always racing it beats, that's when I remember God. I misplace him by letting my self to be controlled by it. I suddenly cried and whispered "I don't want to die"
Recently, a debilitating disorder is always been on the list of the topic that keep harming people especially on young ones, it is called DEPRESSION. Believe it or not, I just recently know what I've been suffering when I was a teenager. All I knew that there is something wrong with me, but I am thanking God for everything. For not allowing me to took my life off of my own hands, for giving me a lot of chances and forgiving me for all of my shortcomings.
So, what is depression and what is the symptoms of it.
In my next blog, I would try to share some of my interviews to the ones who have/has it. We were going to have some point of view and how we're going to help them.
Thanks for reading the side that I supposed to hide
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