When it is difficult for one partner to accept the actions, deeds or words of another partner, be it the relationship between a man and a woman, children and parents, friends, colleagues. Even between loving people, relations are almost impossible without conflict situations.
This is closer to me, and not only as a researcher, although the topic concerns all relationships.
So, usually the relations specialists say that conflict situations arise when we see that the partner does not act in the way we expect. And we, naturally, want to change the partner... so that it matches our ideas. And then experts say that we cannot change another person - we can only change ourselves, our attitude. In order to avoid conflicts, it is recommended that another person be accepted as he is.
And here I want to pay attention.
... BUT... we cannot know about another person - what it is. We can only perceive a person as we see it. And we see always selectively: only that we can see, are accustomed to seeing, ready to sew.
That's why often the same person with different partners develop "similar" relationships. This is our "vision" depends on the "luggage" of our experience, the available "installations" and "programs" and other reasons.
I propose to look at the relationship from the point of view of quantum mechanics, or rather, from the point of view of one of its principles - the principle of superposition. This is a superposition of states that can not be realized simultaneously, a superposition of alternative (mutually exclusive) states.
It is known that monitoring the flow of an experiment changes its results. And what we focus on is responsive. Let us apply this to the relations between people.
There is another person, with a set of different qualities. It has everything: kindness and cruelty, generosity and greed, tenderness and rudeness. And depending on how "I" look at him, "what" I think at the same time, he shows some qualities with me in the relationship. That is, "our" representation, or judgment, about a person, materializes in his actions towards us.
If you want to change a partner - change your ideas about him.
It would seem that it is much easier than changing another person. However, in practice, it is rather difficult. We are too attached to our convictions, we are just "one whole". To part with one's own convictions in relation to another person is as if to betray oneself. Our beliefs are perceived by us as something "real", which has many "obvious" proofs.
For example,
A woman thinks that her husband is a miser. And it is hard for her to give up this belief, because "he is really greedy" in some real situations. She concluded "not from scratch", as it seems to her. But it is important to understand what was at first - "egg or chicken", as they say.
Usually it happens like this.
You observe some action of the partner for the first time. Immediately "analyze", not going deeply into the real causes of actions, and draw a conclusion - "greedy". Analyzing as usual, on the principle of "if ... - then ...", confident that there is a proven by someone and once the connection between these "if ... something ...". But there is no connection.
And further, since it is difficult to accept that a loved one is like this, you constantly think about it and "materialize" your thoughts in his actions. And he periodically "confirms" by his actions your thoughts (which gradually become convictions).
And now - attention!
If you do not want a partner, for example, to be greedy, try to "see" the situation when he shows generosity. Think about this: first of all, that "he can be generous" ... Then that "he is really generous" ... And he will not take long to confirm this new belief.
However, there is one more important condition - you will believe in it and do not doubt. This is the principle of superposition of quantum mechanics. Potentially, a person can be greedy and generous, but the quality that the attention of the observer is directed (or "materializes") is manifested. Everything is created by our thoughts.
Usually, in case of rejection of some qualities of the partner, the psychologist recommends the client to change the attitude towards them without trying to change the partner, his quality. "My husband is greedy," says the woman, "how can I change it? What to do about it. " "You cannot change another person," says the psychologist, "change your attitude to this quality, look at greed as a frugality, economy...". That is, quality does not change to the opposite, but as it decreases, but continues to be and is accepted.
It is possible to completely change the "inconvenient" quality of the partner to the opposite, only by changing his "vision", changing the direction of his attention. Every person is a whole Universe, everything is in it. You just need to learn to "look", learn to notice, learn to be attentive in a relationship, learn more to focus your attention on the dignity of a partner.
