The morning after felt flat.
Like a roller coaster had crashed down.
I understood that it was an emotional comedown after all the events and everything after.
I felt like I could not feel.
I required silence and solitude, so I tapped into my inner strength, Qi Gong, which helps with balancing and dealing with negative emotions including grief, fear, and loss.
My greatest loss.
I was home.
In my backyard.
My happy place.
A place where solace was always instantly gained.
But I was full of emptiness.
Sadness and sorrow, yet relief.
Like a crane with broken wings.
Grounded and stable
To face.
To digest.
To deal with all my emotions, thoughts, and feelings.
Dark and light ones.
Questions of life and the afterlife bombarded my mind in deeper ways than they had ever done. Questions that no one truly knows the answers to were asked.
Reasoning, I thought, gone too soon, yet, why not sooner?
Comforting, I thought—no more physical, emotional, or mental pain.
I kept reflecting on how I felt looking at his lifeless body. The pain I felt knowing I would never see his smile again, the sadness knowing that I would never hear his voice at the other end of the phone, the loss of never enjoying moments with him ever again.
I gave thought to the feeling of euphoria I had as I touched his hair and his body and whispered in his ear. I was happy knowing that my dad was free at last, resting in peace.
I acknowledged that we had different beliefs, and based on his beliefs, I know that he is resting in what they call eternal paradise. He lived a good life that he thought would guarantee him a place there.
I thought about our last conversation.
I knew this day would come, not because I was pessimistic, but because I was slowly accepting and dealing with the process of losing someone dearest to me. Although it wasn't a sudden loss, it was a loss that one could never prepare for.
I continued to tell myself that this was just clinical death, an inevitable process in the cycle of life, and I continued to speak to my dad, not because I was in denial but because his presence remained strong.
Does Samsara exist? I asked. I don't know, but if we are made up of energy, in what form? Or what is Nirvana? I am still searching and will forever be.
I'll continue to live a life that my dad would be proud of, and more importantly, one that makes me feel fulfilled. I'll deepen my practice of Qi Gong and yoga, both of which strengthen and drive me, and continue to live a life of lifelong learning and growing, some of the greatest attributes of my dad.
I am thinking of my dad, whom I will love forever.
I'll keep this knife that my dad gave me last year safe. My dad said he had it for over 40 years, and he wanted me to have it.
All other photos were taken in Jamaica on February 18, 2024, the morning after my dad's Thanksgiving service.
