Softly Glaring

Softly Glaring

Softly Glaring
digital drawing
2026

Spring is finally here, just past easter time. Not that the winter this time felt particularly long, it felt very short or at least the usual length. One of the first signs of spring is the white furry willow catkins that suddenly appear on the branches. I could say that they were the inspiration behind this drawing but there is a little more to the story.

As I’m writing this, I’ve been on ADHD medication for two weeks now. It has been a long journey here, since my 20’s when I first realized I might have ADHD. Back then it was thought to be something else, and after a short while on an ill-fitting, life dulling medication I just decided to get on by myself. In many ways I made it as I wanted and became an artist. It’s been chaotic but wonderful life so far, but with many challenges and adventures. But let's just skip ahead.

I am now in my mid 40’s and about two years ago I decided to see about ADHD diagnosis again. There are just too many simple things in life that should be easy, but they are not. I also went to study again and knew I would be needing some help with some things. Like working on my final thesis now, spoiler: it’s not going too well. So earlier this spring after a very thorough process, I finally got diagnosed. Now I’m trying the meds, along with online therapy.

I can’t say yet if this is working, we are just looking for the right dosage. I can notice small improvements in some areas and how I am feeling. There is one thing I have to be really careful with, and that is coffee. One day I had a cup too many during a late meeting and found myself scrolling on my phone all night. Even without the meds I would be prone to drink too much and get jittery.

For a few years now I have been practicing shamanic drumming with some friends. To quickly explain it: Someone plays the drum in a quick steady beat to help create a trance-like state, while others seek visions and guidance with life. How everyone experiences this and relates to these experiences is very personal matter. Last time, about a week ago. I am participating in the circle, while on my meds for the first time. After a long day on an art course and of course adequately caffeinated, I am very alert. I was expecting this might be affect the session. I started drumming and surprisingly, I think I played better than ever. Not that there is any measure and it is a very basic rhythm. It just felt good and intentional, I was very present and focused, just slightly agitated. At one point I was drumming so intensely the felt tip of the drumstick flew off and had to end the drumming quickly.

When it came to my turn to journey, I found it more difficult than usual. First, I saw nothing but a green shadow image from the flame of the candle I was staring at before. I just focused on that and laid back observing taht. On the next round, I knew I needed to calm down somehow. It was easier this time. I began to see the willow catkins I saw in nature earlier that week, they transformed into other beings, like pandas, eventually I caught a glimpse of a white furry snakelike shape. I was reminded of Falkor, the white dragon from the Neverending story movie. That is something I revisit every few years. I believe some softness was needed in my life and that’s what the vision represented. I considered watching the movie again, or reading the book at last, but that would be quite literal thing to do. The meaning was probably something more general.

While on the medication I have been drawing a little to see if it feels any different. I have to say thankfully, it does not. Few days after the session, I felt like I wanted to draw some catkins. I mean kind of a study, just as they appear in nature. That would be a nice clean project to finish. I've not made a complete a drawing in a while. I also thought I might as well listen to the Neverending Story Audiobook while doing it. (It was a little tricky to find but it exists).

So, I begin drawing, and it felt great. I adjust the composition while progressing,as usual. I’m not very good at making a rigid sketch and sticking to it though it would make finishing work much smoother. I prefer to let things change as I go. That is part of what my process is all about. Although this was very contained idea.

Even so changes do happen. Something is not clicking with this one. I get the idea that I could make these as cats, which is of course the most obvious thing to do with them. I don’t think it’s possible to not think about that. but self-respecting artists should stay away. So said the “voice” in my head. It’s not that I’ve never wandered into kitschy territory, but this certainly would be at the deepest end of that, or shallow end of art if you like. I drew little ears on some, seeing how it would look and then quickly erased them. No way. But it’s too late, the idea has been planted. There’s also been a trend lately of people telling artists what they should or should not do. I think we have enough of that inside our own mind. I dare myself, maybe I should do this. So, I entertain the idea and do a quick image search of the subject. There are so many terrible things there, I feel a sting in my soul. Really? But there were also some good ones, classic illustrations from children’s books that had something special about them. Simple good drawings, sincere, but not too sweet. I don't think the others are not sincere, but there is a difference. I believe there was something I could do with this. Not necessarily to contribute to the great lineage of catkins-as-cats illustrations, but something meaningful on its own that goes beyond the subject.

I don’t think there is anything particular within this drawing, that should be explained. Perhaps there is a feeling that comes through. I have been dipping my toes a little bit into reception theory for my thesis - just a little. There is a so-called horizon of expectations that affects how everyone experiences and interprets art. I understand very well if someone will judge this same way as i judged some of the pictures earlier.

Do as you wish, said the amulet Auryn and this is just what I did.
I needed some softness. Watching the tension buildup in the world for the past few years, escalating conflicts and the constant aggression towards our nervous systems from these news, i believe it is something we are missing as a whole.

So, I finished the drawing but not the audiobook yet. I’m not sure how it goes from here as the movie ended halfway through the story. In the book things are looking pretty grim for the hero and I’m worried for him. It’s too relatable almost. I guess it is time to find out and start a new drawing.

Softly Glaring
digital drawing
2026

Mikko Lyytinen