One of these days (it must have been the day before yesterday), I was browsing through poems by serejandmyself, I quite liked them, especially his "A Shakespearean sonnet about steemit (Original Poetry),“ so I upvoted it, then went over to "The shadow of the pharaoh (Original Poetry),“ this one I didn´t like that much, think I found the ending a bit trite?
I’m in a trance of your voice.
I am enchanted by your charms.
Your touch is worth a million.
We kiss and I forget everything else.
All we need is each others touch.
In the comments below I told the author I liked his Shakespearean sonnet better than this.
He replied: "Thanks, what is it that not caught on in this one for you? The rhytm, the metaphors?“
Then again sometime later, I decided to give it a try: to retranslate my Czech translations of ancient Chinese poetry into English, to get some attention at this platform. I concocted up three pieces (altogether 140 words), then put them up here on Steemit. Well, let´s say it here, for one of my poems I had used two other English versions (I didn´t use anything for the other two, I swear):
Du Fu: Painting of a Falcon
Wind and frost seem to rise
From the white silk of this
Grand painting of a falcon!
The bird stares as if to pounce
On a scurrying hare, and do
I see in its eye something
Of a fierce monkey?
Chain and ring seem to invite one
To put out a hand and free it
From the perch that seems so close;
I wish I would ask it to attack
Those tiny SINGING birds, scattering
Their blood and feathers over
The grassland around.
(as translated by Rewy Alley)
and
Du Fu: THE PAINTED FALCON
On plain silk, the wind and frost arise
A dark blue falcon, painted in detail
It perks its body, considering a wily rabbit
At each side its eyes seem angry like a barbarian’s
THE TETHERING RING shines, worthy of picking up
From the high pillar, its potential may be called upon
Why should it attack a common bird
Feathers and blood scattered on the level grass?
(as translated by Hugh Grigg)
My own translating efforts slowly took this final shape:
Du Fu: THE PAINTED FALCON
On silk the wind and frost about to rise,
And the black falcon gets even darker.
Thinking of a rabbit, in the eye
There´s something so fierce, what it´s after?
THE TETHERING RING to put my hand on,
On the pillar the bird´s in full command.
Why should it attack the singing birds all
With blood and feathers making up for grass?
Almost immediately after posting my content, I received this reply from Serejandmyself: "Are you sure those are your translations?“
https://eastasiastudent.net/china/classical/du-fu-painted-falcon/
I had no choice but to admit having stolen the "tethering ring.“
Serejandmyself replied: "Yes, in the future please be so kind to provide a link to where you take work from if its not original. Other than that, good work."
I may have got a little annoyed at Serejandmyself´s "nitpicking“ (and was glad that he had praised my work at the same time, you know, it costs a little time and effort to check up a text on the internet, and I hadn´t been detected by the cheetah, so it must mean he really liked it).
Again, I was a little annoyed, but the more I had been contemplating it, the more I liked the "tethering ring.“ It has such a nice sound to it, two rings one after the other: tethe-ring ring. I hadn´t noticed that before. And maybe it is the best line of the poem, and I certainly wouldn´t have invented it on my own, and not only because English is not my muttersprache…
And, last but not least, and I don´t mean this as a hint at Serejandmyself of being a poor judge of poetry, but my English translations so far would need some editing at best, if they are not beyond repair… I have just no feel for the English rhyming, which is very different than ours etc. (The line: "Why should it attack the singing birds all“ seems very suspicious to me…)
Before I had written only one poem in English, and it is the following, it was just meant as a play on words, now I find it quite disgusting (don´t remember about then, probably also), but it is ORIGINAL, noone can find anything like it on the internet, I dare you. (last note: its "sperm whales“ come from well before the Steemit era):
THE BATTLE
Sperm whale
Seamen ship
Bottle-fly-bottled-flied bottles (flying?)
The hounds are all female
For the horses asleep
Nipped in the bud (and got nettled a little)
Tiny little whips
Where of the world at the wits´ end two of the two lips speak:
Ah! (and I say this in my head)
That once in a glue moon I get so sea sick!
Sperm-whaleship
Seamen-whale-ship-seawoman
Grasp the nettle
In Czech means bite the sour apple
Give somebody the pip!
No! The TETHERING RING!
P. S. : You know the poets (no matter how good or bad) tend to be rather touchy, and I would be touched by that, if only my own touchiness were not worth a billion…
