Men & Post-Natal Depression
Post-natal depression (PND) is thought to affect between 10-20% of mothers giving birth each year. In a future article, I'll go through some ways we can help prevent and deal with this issue in mums and mums-to-be. Fathers are at the front line of this, and need to know what to look for in their partners. Men also can suffer from the same symptoms, especially when they are supporting a partner with PND.
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Before and after giving birth, mums can easily develop PND, and as her loving partner it's important to be aware of the subtle signs that suggest she may need extra support from you.
- Sleep disturbance unrelated to baby’s sleep needs.
- Appetite disturbance; usually none, but also massive increases.
- Crying, or the desire and inability to cry.
- Unable to cope with the smallest things, which she may have been able to do before quite easily.
- Irritability. (have you ever heard yourself thinking “I can’t do anything right; if I don’t help I’m being unsupportive”? Your intuition is kinda right — she is irritable, but not for the reasons you're thinking.)
- Anxiety. Often PND is more about anxiety than it is feeling depression.
- Negative obsessive thoughts.
- Fear of being alone.
- Memory difficulties and loss of concentration.
- Feeling guilty and inadequate.
- Loss of confidence and self-esteem.
What you can do for her is what you can do for you
The thing is, you can't help another if you can't help yourself. It is not uncommon for fathers to also have a change in mood — and signs similar to those above — after the birth of a child, especially after a few weeks of supporting your wife who is also going through this.
Having a child changes lives, and the when we do not flow with the changes, we become stressed out and resentful that we can't live our lives we did previously.
All of a sudden, there is decreased sleep, lack of energy, you lose touch with friends and your social life, the house is a mess, and here you are trying to support your woman, who is trying to support your child.
Needless to say, it is often too much for many men; and many men are also silently struggling with Depression — after all, we're the strong ones, right? We need to keep it together, keep the money rolling in, hold the world on our shoulders. All attention and focus needs to be on mum and bubs, it would be selfish to ask for help for yourself...
In Chinese Medicine, it is well understood that physical imbalance can lead to mental-emotional imbalance; and vice versa. Tiredness, irritability, insomnia (not just due to a new-born), and digestive issues are all pointers towards a disturbance of our 神 shén (spirit/consciousness), and the constraint of the free-flow of Qì.
New fathers also share the PND, and whilst there may not be a hormonal imbalance due to carrying a child in utero for nine months, there are still plenty of pressures on the mind-body system that eventuate to the typical symptoms as described above.
So for the guys, here are the most important things that YOU can do in these situations.
Ask for help — This doesn't mean seeing a counsellor, or even an therapist per se; what you need is help around the home.
If you didn't make these kinds of plans beforehand, it is now up to you to put them in place now. You need a roster of friends and family to come and give both you and mum a break. These aren't social visits - you need help with shopping, cleaning, washing dishes, and holding baby so that you and your partner can get some sleep and long, hot bath.Get some time out — this needs to be in balance with your duties to your family and your job.
What helps you unwind? Is it morning yoga? Is it a run? Is it grabbing a bite to eat or a cuppa? Is it a sleep in bed? Whatever that is, you need to make time to do that once a week. If you haven't got your helpers giving you a hand at home though, you don't just leave mum and bubs at home so you can have some down-time.Ensure you eat well — when we get tired, we are used to being lazy around food and nutrition. These are the times we need to eat well.
Your body needs extra fuel: quantity and quality. If mum is breast-feeding, so does she. Again, have you arranged for friends and family to bring around good quality meals that you can keep in the freezer? If not, do so.Get some sleep — It's perfectly OK to sleep in separate beds if necessary.
Take it it turns: as long as one of you is well-rested, then you can function better. But don't use needing to go to work as an excuse to get a great night's sleep every night, leaving mum to constantly waking baby!Get some exercise — Forget daily gym workouts or 20km runs. Gentle exercise is what is called for here; something that keeps the Qì flowing.
Get regular sessions of Acupuncture, Massage, etc — natural medicine practitioners can help identify what you need specifically to keep you going.
They may also hold the answer to sleepless nights, colicky babies, and sleep-deprived mum. Natural medicine practitioners look at the problem holistically: the entire dynamic of your home life is changed and is impacting on the health & wellbeing of everybody. Even NLP can be useful here, building high-performance states that allow us to keep working effectively at work when all around you is changing. At the very least, an acupuncture or massage session is a great way to grab some time-out and recharge you for the next week!
For more information about men and PND, read this handy link.
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