I have been here. I have experienced the loss of a parent. This post is not easy, but it comes straight from the heart. But this post will not just be about me, but about all the changes that occur in your life when losing a parent. IT's hard to put into simple terms, so why not just sit back and read the list if you're interested. I think this will be good for me to get off my chest, as well as share with others. You never know, one day somebody just like me may come across this blog. They may need the preparation for what's coming next. Fair warning: it isn't easy.
The Immediate Aftermath.
You and whatever family members are with you, have to start making calls. You end up calling everyone. You probably will be crying, or if you stopped, you'll start again. You'll only be hearing the phrase "I'm so sorry, call me if there's anything I can do" about 3000 times. Along with various preaching about how "they're in a better place now" and all that other stuff. It will be extremely frustrating, and pretty much the last thing you want to hear, just keep in mind that they are only trying to help. Then proceed to call your best friend(s). They are the ones who offer the most assistance during that time. Hell, one day after my mother passed away, two of my friends drove to my house and took me to a graduation party, which... was exactly what I needed. Don't suffocate yourself in that environment. Every family member in the book is going to be coming to visit, and your house is going to be a constant madhouse for the next week.
Funerals.
Yeah. Not fun. But if you're like me, your other parent will spare you of having to actually go up to the funeral home to make all the necessary arrangements. But you will have to experience the viewing, and of course, the funeral. The viewing is just a little tease. It's the day when everyone who leaves nearby comes to give you hugs. That's pretty much all. It isn't until the next day at the funeral that all the distant relatives and friends show up to give you hugs. Then you and your family will have to walk down to the front row and listen as a preacher talks about how great your parent was. You may be like me and not actually cry. Not everyone is good at expressing their emotions, especially when in public. But then that leads to guilt, because in that exact position, you just know that you should be crying. Don't feel bad, that time will come. Oh and as for burial, I can't relate to you there. My mom was cremated. But then finally afterwards you and your closest friends and family will probably go back to your house and actually have a pretty good time. The funeral home will bring over all the extravagant plants and flowers that everyone bought you, causing your house to look like a big magical dream of fun. I'm not even being sarcastic, I actually loved having the flowers everywhere. You gotta find enjoyment out of the simplest of things, especially during those times.
The "Grieving" Process.
Now everyone has their own ideas and visions of how this process works, but in reality: it all depends on you. You may be like me, and actually take a good amount of time to come to full acceptance of it all. Or you may break down and bawl your eyes out for the next 3 days. Whatever your coping mechanism is, that's fine. Just as long as you release your emotions some way, or else there is a good chance you will just explode. But it also kind of depends on how you lost the parent. See, I lost my mother to a long-term illness. We watched her body slowly fade over the course of several months. So on the day it actually happened, we had already seen it coming. We had been coping with it for months before it even happened. But recovery takes a lot of time. It's been 7 months now and I still get sad. I'm fairly certain I will for the rest of my life too. Maybe not as frequently, but that painful loss will always be there. You just have to accept it. You will think about your parent every single day from then on. You will miss them every single day from then on.
The Awkward Explaining.
This is simply unavoidable, especially if your younger. I can tell you of so many awkward incidents where I had to tell someone (who wasn't a close friend or relative) about the loss of my mother. And it always leads to an even more awkward minute of sympathy and embarrassment. Your boss. Your new co-workers. Your classmates. Your doctor. Your old orthodontist receptionist. Any and everybody that you either do, have, or will encounter on a pretty regular basis. It is always a hard sentence to say, but also a necessary one. It just saves you from future awkwardness when someone does mention your parent, or worse... say a "your mom" joke. My old boss did that once, and mine, and all my fellow co-workers mouths just dropped open. I wasn't offended, it was just something I never expected to hear. It's just an unfortunate thing you'll have to get used to. And the reactions will always be different/ Some will just get quiet and say "I''m so sorry", others will hug you or it can even be like what happened to me the other day: I called my orthodontist to schedule my yearly check-up and the receptionist (who had spoken to me and my mother frequently back when I was 15 and had braces) asked how my mother was. I just said "Oh, it's been a year since we've seen you right? Um, well, this past summer she actually passed away." And the woman started crying. Just gotta get used to it.
Traditional Family Routines Change.
This is pretty self-explanatory. You'll feel it almost instantly when all the holidays roll around. For example,every Christmas morning my mother would make us those tiny little "pigs in a blanket" things for breakfast. Well obviously not this year. Or other instances that aren't even related to the holidays. Like how every other year or so, my Mom would take me to a department store and buy me new jeans. It may sound silly, but it's all something you will notice and feel. It just makes you feel sad. All of these things that you are so used to doing a certain way, have suddenly all changed. Your parent that made the Thanksgiving day meal. The parent that drove you to dance class every week when you were 10. The parent that would tell you how proud they were of you every year after they saw your One Act Play performance. You'll think about it all. And you'll miss it all. Just another unfortunate effect of losing a parent.
The Other Parent Moves On.
This may not always happen, because as I said before: everyone has different coping mechanisms. Some people may never feel the ability to love again. Others may be desperate to find a new partner as soon as conceivably possible. It all just depends. But whether your other parent gets married ten years later, or ten days later, it's going to be difficult. It will be so off-putting the first few times you see your parent kissing another person. Seeing them hold their hand, or make some kind of sexual comment to one-another. Seeing your dad love somebody that isn't your Mom. And oh, how the new spouse will try so hard for you to like them. They will hug you constantly, tell you how pretty you are, and later on, may even try to compare you to your mother when looking at your old family photos. Again, just remember that they are trying to help. It isn't betraying your other parent. It's accepting the fact that they are gone and trying to allow your other parent some sort of happiness. It makes him happy, and that's all I can really ask for in the end.
I could go on forever about this. About how much money you get from the parent's life insurance that feels so selfishly used when paying off your car or house. The burst of sadness you get when hearing a certain song or when seeing mail still addressed to them. All of these things you have to go through and learn how to accept and get used to. All of these changes will come in a constant flood, and it's your job to stay afloat. Don't drown in the sadness. Your parent wouldn't have wanted that. They would want you and your father and your brother to continue on living and being happy. They would want you to know that though they may not be physically there, in some way, they would still always be there. Whether in spirit, watching from heaven, or just in your heart. They will still be there the day you graduate college, get married, or have your first kid. Parents are a big part of what builds us into who we are, and they are simply irreplaceable. Just try your hardest to move on. Don't let the loss of one life become the loss of two. Rest in peace Mom.
