Daddy, what are those little things in the fish tank?
The Little Lady was shading her eyes and peering in at the sides of her fish tank.
Those little things in your fish tank, my darling, are called fish.
My eyes rolled upward so hard that they almost struck the ISS.
No, silly. Not the fish. The little things at the side?
She said this a little snarkily, the way that 9-year-olds do to their oh so stupid parents.
I sighed and looked up from my Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodle.
yup, sometimes I kick back by eating utter fucking shite that isn't good for me.
What little things?
I got up and walked over to her fish tank which she had had since she was seven and had been the bane of my life that entire time. When we first got it some little female fish had somehow sneaked in with all the male guppies and they had shagged her stupid until the tank was a seething bubbling mess of fish babies.
But we solved that and apart from cleaning the bastard thing out every so often, we had settled into a nice easy rhythm of topping it up with new fish every six months or so to account for the random deaths that occurred with monotonous regularity.
There, look. See? Little things. All over the place?
She pointed at the side of the tank and indeed, she was correct. There were little dots stuck to the side of the tank.
Hmm, that's weird.
I took my glasses off and pressed my beautiful face to the side of the tank for a closer look.
One of the little dots moved and I could see two little feelers on its tiny little curled translucent body.
I fell back aghast.
No. NO! This cannot be?
I shook like a dog with no legs trying to coax out an irksome shit.
What is it, Daddy? What's wrong?
The Little Lady, looked at me with concern and then back at the tank, trying to see what I had seen.
Snails. They are bloody snails?! How the hell did we get snails in the fish tank?!
ALIENS!?
Snails! Oh goody! Can we keep them? Can we? Pleeeeeaaaaase!!!!
The Little Lady jumped up and down with excitement.
I slumped like an old tramp after five cans of Special Brew
hint: there is nothing fucking special about it
But we don't know anything about them? What if they grow into giant slavering monsters?!
In my head, I could see them now. slithering slimily over my sleeping body (not in a good way) before eating me ALIVE?!
In an attempt to channel some eighties machismo like a wrestler in a pink leotard with a moustache I waved weakly at the tank.
What if they grow up and eat your fish?
There, she loved her fish despite never paying them any attention or feeding them or cleaning out their tank. Surely she wouldn't risk losing such precious little gobbets of scaly flesh?
What if they eat the fish? Who cares, Daddy!! Snails! I love snails! Can we keep them? Please? Please please please!!!!!
She clasped her hands in a praying motion and fixed me with snails-are-all-I-have-ever-wanted eyes.
I looked at her and then at the tank and shook my head.
Ummm, alright. Till we see what happens.
I wasn't sure what would happen bar me setting the tank on fire and screaming.
But I was willing to wait. For now.
I mean, I am not going nuts am I? They are baby snails? At least they look like they might become snails. How did they get in? We haven't bought new fish for ages! Should I kill them now whilst I still can? HELP!
