GODDAMIT.
I yelled as I stared at my deck. Or what should have been my deck.
It lay in front of me, a motley collection of posts and planks, some of which were bodged together with screws and nails in a weird grid-like fashion like an Iranian Nun's vagina.
My shout was met with utter silence.
I thought back to a few weeks ago. It had all seemed so positive. I had started the work on the deck and to be frank, had made a proper cow of it. On seeing this, my neighbour, The Jim had hopped over the fence and taken over. No doubt horrified that any neighbour of his could do a job so badly.
Either that or he wanted to eat chips out of my knickers. A theory I had not entirely discounted.
As work progressed, The Jim enlisted one of his very own sons to help and thus dawned the day of the mighty power tools.
Within no time my garden was awash with big spinny things that went RRRRRRR RRRRRRRRR when buttons were pressed and The Jim and his son Wee Jimmy sawed and hammered and cursed like crazy men whilst drinking endless cups of tea and talking about that wee lassie down at the corner shop with the blue hair.
I was out of my depth.
Worse yet, my mannity levels were decreasing by the day as I ran around after the pair of them fetching them biscuits and curtseying whilst talking in a weird cockney girl voice as they wielded blades of fury amidst blizzards of sawdust.
But despite that. Despite my sad lack of McGyver'ing being exposed to the world via the medium of my Hive Blog, it was worth it.
Worth it all as I watched my decking truly began to take shape.
And then I went on holiday for a week up into the bitter Norths of Scotland.
Don't worry, lad. We will have this finished by the time you get back. You will be out here with your feet up drinking beer before you know it!
So The Jim had promised as he laughed and leaned back, rubbing his belly like a big fat cat playing backgammon.
And so off on holiday, I had gone, with a spring in my step and a lightness in my heart.
Until I arrived back home.
Aw son. It was terrible!! Wee Jimmy, the rotary saw bounced back, it took off the top of his thumb. There was blood everywhere. We had to rush him to the hospital?!
The Jim, normally so manly that Orangutans in Africa worshipped him as a God, almost wept as he told me this.
We cleaned up the mess as best as we could. Oh it was terrible. He was in shock, white as a sheet. I think I near fainted myself.
The Jim wrung his hands and looked at me, red eyed and old looking.
I nodded patiently as he explained this, making the pre-requisite oo'ing and ah'ing noises at the right bits so that I looked sympathetic to Wee Jimmy's plight.
BUT WHY ISNT MY DECKING FUCKING FINISHED YOU LAZY OLD BASTARD?! GET THAT MALINGERING CUNT CHILD OF YOURS BACK INTO MY GARDEN AND START NAILING THINGS?!?!
Was my immediate thought.
He will be out of action for weeks at the very least son, I am awfully sorry.
The Jim looked at me as if one of his testicles had rose up and got lost in his belly.
MAYBE I WILL STAPLE HIS ARSECHEEKS TO YOUR FACE AND FEED HIM A FUCKING VINDALOO!
I chuckled at the thought and then quickly put my serious face back on.
I am very sorry to hear that mate. Did they sow it back on?
I inquired solicitously.
No, they just sewed it shut. Said it would heal better.
The Jim sniffed, half turning away.
Where did it go then? The thumb?
I asked, peering about from where we stood near the fence that bordered our gardens.
Where did what go?
Asked The Jim with a furrowed brow.
The thumb, it came clean off you said? Did you pick it up? Take it to the hospital?
I tried to sound kind as if I was stroking a labrador and telling it that it was a lovely dog and not a greasy hungry slabbery bag of shit that annoyed everyone.
Eh, I think so. I'm sorry son, I better go back in. I haven't felt at all well since it happened.
The Jim turned and headed back into his house.
And so I found myself staring out at the unfinished deck.
I should have been disappointed, dejected even. But weirdly, I felt a weird burny feeling of elation start to kindle in my chest.
A mad laugh bubbled out of me and I hefted the De-Walt Screwthefuckingeverythingdriver up in my hand as if it were a rifle and I was 
Looks like it's gonna take a real man to finish this one.
