Daddy-Bear, is there anything you can do about that cupboard door in the little lady's room? It won't stay closed.
I grunted as the Good Lady's words snapped me out of my daydream in which saucy naked wenches had been covering themselves in coffee grounds and were asking if I wanted a good exfoliating.
Um, yeah. Sounds like a piece of piss.
I smiled with more dimples than a larger lady's bahookie.
Really? That would be great, I think the catch thing is broken?
The Good Lady wrung her hands as if she had touched a covid.
Broken schmoken, baby-cheeks. It don't matter. I've got magnets.
I swished my hands about Kung Fu style.
Magnets? Won't it just need a screw tightened or something?
The Good Lady twisted her hand back and forth, wistfully looking up at the sky.
I looked up too, just in case those monkeys with the engorged penises had found their way into the house and were poised above us ready to fire.
Thankfully, I realised we weren't in Africa and were safe... For the moment.
A screw? A screw!? Who fixes things with screws nowadays?
I heaved myself out of my Sunday seat and struck a pose worthy of Captain Gower, the old 18th-century sea Captain that fought a giant octopus and afterwards could never look at his wife's vagina ever again.
I have those fancy nobdinium magnets if I stick a couple of them up no one will be opening that door in a hurry.
I chuckled, in my mind's eye I could see the cupboard door slamming closed with an almighty clang. Perhaps one of the cats severed in half by the door's dark slamming majesty.
I don't think we want the door to never open again? If we wanted that I would just nail it shut.
The Good-Lady had that face on her. The one that implies I am the type of buffoon to come back from the market with a handful of magic beans.
Well, no magic beans here lady. Perhaps magic magnets but not magic beans.
It sounds a bit, you know. overcomplicated? I think it is just something loose. The catch bit isn't sitting right and the sticky in bit isn't catching in the catchy bit.
She splayed her fingers at each mention of bit as if conducting some weird orchestra.
I reeled back from her astonishing technical analysis of what was wrong with the door.
So you are saying you don't want me to get all magnetic on the cupboards ass?
I glowered majestically.
It takes many years to master the art of glowering but master it I had. The Good Lady flinched at the combination of dark looks, downturned cheeks and furrowed brows that were being flung her way.
Maybe give the magnets a miss this time?
She half pleaded, half commanded.
I glowered a bit harder until something felt a bit squee in my undercarriage.
Fine then. I'm gonna screw the shit out of this cupboard.
I flounced off to fetch a man tool or three. The magnets can wait.
My upper lip twisted and I let out a nasty chuckle.
Oh yes, they can wait...
But they won't wait forever.