And so it was, I had come North to find my muse. To reflect and recharge and wander my inner roads.
Ha, what a load of bollocks. No, I had come north with the family to drink beer and light fires in pits whilst quaffing wine and laughing with demons, I mean tourists.
The north of Scotland is festooned with tourists from Spring onward. They all descend upon the place with their gigantic touring vans and expensive bikes and yak about the best way to savour a whisky.
Which is fucking simple, just drink it. That's the best way to savour it.
As we loaded up the car with wine, beer, knives and a few clothes, the Little Lady's birthday watch had finally arrived.
She had been begging for it for months. A smartwatch. One that could text and call and video call. All her friends had one apparently.
This was her second smartwatch. The first one had been some shonky Chinese shit that had been as much use as a chocolate teapot. After smashing it up with a hammer, we sent it back saying that it appeared to have been damaged in transit.
This time we had gone for quality. An Aussie watch. One with instructions that you could follow and that actually worked.
We banged the SIM card in it, quickly set it up and headed off on our little holiday to the loch in the North.
There it is guys. The cabin!
I cried out deliriously at the thought of sitting on the balcony getting drunk each night and shouting at the beavers.
Just because you can't see them does not mean they are not there...
It's not a cabin Daddy, it's a Chalet!
Laughed the family condescendingly.
It's a fucking cabin.
I muttered under my breath as we got out of the car and started hoofing all our supplies into the little fridge in the kitchen.
After a modest amount of unpacking, I felt the telltale brewing of a thunder-dog and announced to the family I was off to the toilet.
I sat on the throne and sighed with happiness. All was still. All was quiet.
Daddy! Did you get my message?
The Little Lady banged on the door to the toilet.
What bloody message?!
I yelled back trying to maintain the momentary zen-like calm that had descended upon me as I was laying my first holiday egg.
I sent you a message from my watch! Check your phone!!!
She yelled excitedly.
Fucking hell, I had forgotten about her smartwatch. I checked my phone. Sure enough, there was a message. It was a thumbs-up emoji followed by fourteen love hearts.
I sent some love hearts back and then put my phone away and closed my eyes and attempted to re-commune with the Gods of the earth.
Daddy!! I messaged you back!! Did you get it?
She was still there. Outside the toilet her Daddy was trying to shit in.
Hold on?!
I checked my phone. There were two messages. The first was from the Good Lady.
Has she texted you from her watch yet? So cute!
I fired off an affirmative then opened the message from the Little Lady.
Hello.
That one word was followed by a vomit of emojis that followed no visible theme.
My eyes hurt and the poo that I was trying to do was doing its best to imitate a shy woodland creature by popping in and out of its burrow.
Very nice lass. I am on the toilet though, so can you give me five minutes?
I hit send.
Almost instantly ok popped up on my screen followed by ten poop emojis.
I let out a deep calming breath. All was calm. Outside some birds sang. I started to smile.
DADDY!! I SENT YOU A PICTURE! DID YOU GET IT??
The Little Lady yodelled insanely loudly.
I resisted the urge to open the door, drag her in and shit on her before flushing her down the toilet.
Hey lass. Can you text mummy or something? I just want five minutes to do the toilet. No phones. Just peace. Is that ok?
Inwardly I congratulated myself on how calm I sounded.
NO DADDY. CHECK YOUR MESSAGES! I SENT YOU A PICTURE!
Again she shouted as if I were her deaf old Grandmother who had passed beyond the veil the year before.
Reluctantly I pulled my phone out and opened her message.
A photo of a shit popped up with the caption YOU ARE A POO. HAHAHAHAH
Did you get it?!
Her voice echoed madly throughout the cabin.
Yes. Haha.
I yelled half-heartedly back.
She laughed madly and her footsteps clattered away.
The cold realisation of giving the Little Lady a smartwatch slowly started to dawn on me.
There were going to be some long years ahead.
