Mummy-Bear! Get down here...QUICK!!!!
I yelled frantically from the back garden.
My voice was shrill and shrieky as if I were watching a Cockatoo about to attempt an ollie on its skateboard.
What?? What is it?! What's wrong?
The Good Lady yodelled from the depths of the house.
It sounded like she was upstairs. Totally oblivious to the momentous events unfolding out here, in the wilderness of the garden.
MUMMY-BEAR!?! I NEED YOU!! HURRY!!!
My voice was a warbling mess of panic and wonder and fear.
I could hear muffled cursing, then a thudding as the Mummy-Bear thudded down the stairs to answer my call of desperation.
She came out of the back door and lolloped toward me in an odd side-saddle kind of run.
What the hell is it?! I was in the middle of doing a poo?!
She yelled, half angry and half concerned.
Ah, a poo. That would explain that mad lolloping run. She no doubt had to nip it off halfway through and was attempting to run with a turtle's head poking halfway out of her back snarler.
MUMMY!!?!?!?
I yelled agitated, waving my hands up and down as if I were trying to pull on one of those odd woolen jumpers with no sleeves that old men who work in colleges like to wear.
What?! What is it?! Are the kids ok?!
The Good Lady pulled up to a halt beside me, her gaze flicking back and forth between me and the kids who were playing serenely not far from me.
The kids are fine, Mummy-Bear. It's more important than that!?! Watch!!
I grabbed her by the shoulder and tilted my head at her.
Watch what?! What's going on? You gave me a fright?!
She shook my hands off, still looking to and fro.
Wait... wait. Here it comes!
As I spoke, a small gust of wind frolicked around us.
See it? See it!!
I yelled pointing to my face.
What? See what?
The Good Lady looked at me in bafflement.
The wind danced around us and on my face, the hairs of my magnificent beard rippled in the gentle breeze.
My beard. See it? It's so long that it is swaying in the wind!
I pointed proudly at my own beautiful face and the magnificent foliage growing from it.
You are fucking kidding me?!?! I was doing a bloody shit and you called me down for this?! You don't even have a beard?!
The Good Lady muttered in a low pitched yell so the kids wouldn't hear her lose her shit.
I do have a beard! Look, it's blowing in the wind!
Again, I pointed at my face.
That is not a fucking beard!
She hissed before turning and stomping off in the direction of the house.
Mummy-Bear!!! Stop... STOP!!
I yelled.
What?!
She stopped and yelled back.
Look, it's doing it again!!!
I yelled excitedly.
AAARGH?!?!?
The Good Lady thumped off in disgust.
I shook my head. Women, they just don't get it.