Kick your shoes off and hop on the scales then.
Gym-Chick smiled at me and gestured over at the scales which stood in the corner of the small office we were in.
I had been in my new gym for a few weeks and rather bizarrely had decided to take them up on their offer of a free health check and goals setting session.
Do you know your weight offhand?
She prompted me as I stood there.
Um yeah, of course. I mean, it's been a while since I checked but I'm ok with my weight, really.
I said as I stared at the scales as if hypnotised.
What is it roughly then?
She asked as if she wasn't an interrogating bastard.
Erm, twelve and a half stone. Roundabouts, I think
I muttered, looking at the ceiling.
Gym-Chick cocked me an appraising eye as if I were a horse she wished to ride the hills with.
Doesn't do any harm to know exactly. Besides, I need to know to work out your BMI and other things.
She said brightly
I grimaced and my shoulders twitched as if someone was pressing a cold spoon on my haw maws.
Erm. So you want me to hop on the scales? I've got my clothes on and stuff?
Much to my bewilderment,I realised I was stalling.
Not just stalling, I was bluffing too.
What the hell was wrong with me? I mean, I am a veritable God among men. So handsome and chiseled that even guys look at me and want to be at the wife-end of some penisery.
Oh that doesn't matter, it's only shorts and a vest. Just take off your shoes and hop on the scales and we will see what the damage is.
Gym-Chick smiled at me with teeth that were whiter than a sexy ghosts breast milk.
The damage is? What the fuck did she mean by that? What fucking damage? I had a quick scan down my beloved body and snorted with pleasure at the sight.
It was fucking lovely.
Come on then?
Gym-Chick was starting to frown as if she was starting to suspect that I had shat in her handbag.
I gave a faltering smile and attempted to move toward the scales.
My feet however, had other ideas and did not budge.
I stood there. Frozen to the spot. Staring at the scales in horror.
It was such a simple request and yet I could not bring myself to do it.
Come on then, let's find out?
Gym-Chick gave me a little prod.
Fuck. There was nothing for it. She would have to die.
It would be a kindness really. A quick chop to the neck would probably be quickest. Or maybe an axe kick? Or, should I jump to on the desk and throw myself off it and clothes-line her?
Listen, we really have to get a move on here. I have another appointment after this one.
She said, breaking my reverie.
I snapped my head back and forth like a drunken Badger. There was no way out. I was fucking trapped.
Shit.
Reluctantly, I stepped forward and onto the scales.
Nooooooooooooooooo!?!