Guys, we have something important to discuss and that's why I set up this call.
El-Jefe looked at our faces on his screen and nodded thoughtfully as if he were looking at one of those magic art pictures that depicted happy dolphins and all he could see was metallic penises.
If you wish to buy a hidden 3D art picture of lots of metallic cocks then head on over to here and pick one up!
It's coming up to Christmas and we have to discuss the important things. The things that matter...
El-Jefe's screen went dark.
I looked around at the rest of us on the call. It was a motley bunch of ICT folk that had the misfortune to report to El-Jefe. Benny No-Bum, Wetty, Kipper, BinJuice, Half-Can Dan, Bernie-the-Woman and Skeletor.
I think we have lost the boss-man, chaps. Shall we close the call?
As ever my first instinct on any call was to find an excuse to close that call.
My finger hovered over the End Call button.
Perhaps we should wait a moment longer?
Bernie-the-Woman squeaked womanishly.
Note: Bernie-the-Woman was an actual woman. Just not at first glance. Hence the nickname.
Double Note: A nickname that I am exceedingly proud to have given her.
MERRY CHRISTMAS! HO HO HO!!
El Jefe's screen clicked back on and showed him now wearing a novelty santa hat and fluffy white beard.
Eh, boss man, what the fuck? there are two months still to go till Christmas!?
I looked heavenward in the forlorn hope that perhaps a trumpeting angel would sink through my ceiling and offer me a glowing hand out of this damnable existence that I was living.
I know! But its never too early to plan the Christmas night out!! HO HO HO!!
A wide grin split El Jefe's face almost in two and he looked to be in eminent danger of emptying his sack of presents.
The night out? I didn't think we were having one. You know, COVID and all that shit?
I looked at the others for help/inspiration.
Fuck COVID. I could do with a good blow out.
Kipper weighed in. His checked shirt was playing havoc with my blind spot and my brain kept screaming danger every time I looked at him.
Well Kipper, Boom-Dawg has a point about COVID. Rates are shooting back up and all that and maybe people have reservations about going out.
El Jefe stroked his luxurously fine fake Santa beard.
Which is why, I have a plan!
He smacked his hands together as if he were commanding a genie from a filthy lamp.
A plan? Oh, how exciting!
Squawked Bernie-the-Woman in an attempt to get a wage rise.
Oh yes, surprise us with your surprisenings Mr Amazing Boss man.
I too attempted a bit of flattery. Money is money after all.
El Jefe preened, his top lip trembling slightly with the joy of being wanted.
I suggest we have the Christmas night out...
Somewhere a drum roll never happened.
In my back garden!
A silence gaped between us all like a terrible wound.
A Christmas night out... In your back garden?
I tried my best to not to look as if I had eaten something putrid, like a banana.
Yeah!! I have a gazebo, comfy chairs, a fire pit and loads and loads of alcohol. It will be fun! And no one will have to worry about being crammed in a really busy crowded pub. Go on, what do you say?
I opened my mouth to protest that I had never heard of an idea so indubitably shit in my entire life and that there was no fucking way on earth I was going to his house for a Christmas night out to sit on a plastic chair in his garden in the pissing cold Scottish winter rain.
Great idea, boss!
Awesome, I hope you put on some good food!
Pizzas and beer. Hooray for El Jefe!
My colleagues all laughed and clapped and made emojis of sheer joy.
Ho ho ho!!
Cried El Jefe casting his eyes over the disgraceful mess of humanity cheering his name. Then his eyes met mine.
Boomy! Are you game?
He called jovially like a big fat Santa bastard.
You want me to come up your back garden for Christmas?
My face twisted at the words.
As did his.
Um, well yes.
He replied, his eyes narrowing slightly.
Ok, then. I will come up your back.
I said with nary a hint of humour.
Ahem, yes, that would be great.
He sounded a little uncertain despite the cheers of the weak in the background.
I nodded grimly.
So be it.
