Look, Daddy, look!!
The Little Lady danced around the sides of my chair waving around two sticks with brown blobs on them.
I raised my bleary hungover head up from the silent grave that was Hive on a Sunday and looked at her.
See Daddy!! See what I have made!!!
She waggled the sticks closer to me.
I recoiled slightly.
Oh fuck, what was this. Had she made shits on a stick? Was I meant to be impressed?
What is it?
I croaked trying to swerve my head away from the circling shits-on-sticks she was spinning like a scat-loving cheerleader.
I made them!! See!!
I sighed.
I hated to be the old grumpy bastard that rained on her parade but we all make shits. It's not that hard. Hell, I make em every single fucking day.
Admittedly, I don't always then plop them on sticks and wave them around family member's faces.
Do you want one?
She pushed one of the shits-on-a-stick perilously close to my face.
My life flashed before my eyes. It had been a good life. One which was remarkably free of shit in my face. Oh, I had been shitfaced plenty of times but not literal shit.
Was my shit in face cherry truly to be pooped popped by my daughter?
Daddy, open your eyes!!!
The Little Lady cried with sheer joy in her voice.
I realised then that this was the kind of family I had. The kind that gleefully kill the old useless members of their brood.
When had I passed the mark that I had become a doddering old fool to be taunted with shit before being led out the back and clubbed to death?
I sighed.
Ok then. I was ready.
I opened my eyes.
See, they are totally yummy!
The Little Lady gushed at me, half of one shit-on-a-stick in her mouth.
I choked down the barf that had so eagerly attempted to leap free of my handsome stomach.
She thrust the other shit-on-a-stick at me commandingly.
Weakly, I held a hand out and gingerly took the offered stick.
I made them, yummy chocolate!!
By now her face was half covered in the brown muck.
I peered at the shit-on-a-stick in my hand.
Wait, did she say chocolate???
Tentatively, I tasted it with the tip of my tongue.
OH MY GOD!?! IT WAS CHOCOLATE!!!
I sank back in my chair with a relieved whoof.
Looks like I get to live another day.