I was in yet another work video call.
For a change this one had quite a small number of participants, there were only three of us.
It was still three too many for my liking though.
I gazed at the camera on my laptop and tried not to blink.
As I hadn't spoken for some minutes. I hoped by not blinking the others on the call would assume I was dead or masturbating and leave me alone.
It looked to be working.
Perhaps, I should make a giant Boom puppet from minced beef and sit it in my chair for these kinds of meetings?
That might pass the time.
God, I was bored.
I contemplated faking a connection failure, yes, fuck it. Why not? Trying not to giggle, I reached for my mouse. (not a euphemism... well, not this time)
But then I heard something. Something that made my hand stop dead.
A collection of words dressed up as a sentence that made my back snarler clench up tight.
You were in a dream I had last night, by the way...
I looked up to see who had uttered such a terrible thing.
It was Tinfoil. A Business Analyst who looked like a squirrel with sore tits.
Oh. Really?
Answering him was Waaahrk, a roundish Project Manager who looked a bit like one of those big plump maggots you see getting pulled out of someone's skin on YouTube.
Yeah, really...
Tinfoil attempted to look coy which actually made him look as if he had eaten too much peanut butter.
I looked on with some anticipation.
This was crossing a line surely? Flirting on a video call?
I mean there is a time and a place for everything. I might have done some things on a call I might not be entirely proud of but I at least switch the camera off.
And the sound.
I tuned back in. Waaahrk was opening her mouth. Surely this was the bit where she would give him what for and tell him to behave himself?
What kind of dream, I hope it was clean?
She reared back in her chair and brayed loudly like a Mauritian donkey.
I stared, aghast.
Tinfoil smirked.
Well, it's probably not really the place to say...
His voice oozed out lecherously, like watery tar from a drowned smoker's lungs.
Oh, cheeky!
Waaahrk grimaced madly and started patting the side of her neck with one hand as if it were the side of a big dog.
I realised I still hadn't blinked and it had been ages. My eyes felt all jaggy and sore.
Did they even know I was still here? Were they going to get it on, bumping nadgers style in front of me?
Would I be expected to join in?
Eeewww. No. This had to stop.
Guys, can we keep on track? Bit of focus please?
I tried to sound all cool as if people verbally masturbated in front of me all the time.
Oh, urm, sorry?
Waaahrk looked abashed.
Tinfoil looked contemptuous and winked.
Don't worry, he's just jealous.
He laughed the kind of laugh that Robin Hood probably laughed when he was pulling the gold rings from the fingers of a fat Earl.
My mouth fell open. Jealous? Of him and his filthy fingered flirting? Flirting with the Waaahrk?? Didn't anyone else see the resemblance to a maggot, albeit one shrouded in yards of black polyester?
I readied myself to throw an insult so huge in its majesty that his screen would probably catch fire. An insult about him and his tastes that would send him scurrying back to collecting nuts in the nearby woods with his bushy-tailed brethren.
Then I noticed Waaahrk's face, all worried and uncertain.
Inwardly, I rolled my eyes before throwing her one of my patented handsome yet suitably cheeky smiles.
Yeah, he's right. I'm just jealous.
