Aye aye, what going on here then?
I barked at the exposed buttocks of the Bear-Man.
Bloody thing is jammed!?
The buttocks growled back at me.
I made a face as if my aunt was discussing her collapsing mimsy again after she'd had a few too many gins.
I squinted around the gigantic hairy buttocks which was no easy task. Underneath them the Bear-Man crouched, fidding with the bottom of the roller shutter blocking the door of his beer shop.
You should pull your jeans up, someone might park their bike up there.
I gestured distastefully at his shameless buttockery heaving out above the waistband of his trousers.
Urgh..
I flinched as he continued to rummage about on all fours at the door. It was like watching a shaved ape clad in denim attempting to twerk.
Ah can't fookin get it. It's jammed. You fancy a try?
The Bear-Man straightened up to his full height. Glowering, he turned to face me, his fearsomely bearded face scrunched up in annoyance.
It was only a marginally better view than the buttockery had been.
Aye, let me have a shot?
I took the offered padlock key and bent down to peer at the lock the Bear-Man had been fiddling with.
A shadow fell over me as I crouched forward and I felt the Bear-Man's breath huff hotly onto the back of my neck.
SHIT!?!
This was it. I cursed at my foolishness. It had all been a ruse. A clever trap to ensnare me. Even now I could sense the coarse sack descending toward my head.
Surely, it was mere moments before I found myself bundled into an unmarked grey van and driven off to the coast then being loaded onto a container.
No doubt, I would wake up to find myself wearing lipstick and being fed lentils before being rode like a donkey by heavily bearded men.
Dammit. This was no way for such a figure of mannity as myself to meet his end.
CLICK
The padlock that was jammed turned and popped open.
You've got it!
Shouted the Bear-Man exultantly.
Slowly, I stood, dusting my knees of imaginary desert sand.
It was no bother.
I said as the Bear-Man hauled up the shutter and opened the door to his lair.
Come in, come in!
He cried, disappearing into the shops murky depths.
I followed, ready to buy beer but also ready...
For anything.