I've been seeing someone...
I uttered, more than a little hesitantly at the breakfast table.
You have been WHAT?!
The Good Lady waggled a cereal spoon in my direction in a way that made my testicles leap up in fright and scamper into the soft dark safety of my intestinal cavity.
It's not like that?!
I motioned her back with a stoppy hand raised high like a superhero indulging in a bit of cow tipping
She put down the spoon and grumbled at me.
Well, Mr Filthy-Bastard, perhaps you would like to explain?
Her words spat out from lips pursed so thin she çould have been mistaken for a Postbox constructed from gammon slices.
I took a deep breath and began my tale...
It all started a few months ago. I was out at the supermarket getting the lockdown supplies in and as I was approaching the exit, I saw someone out of the corner of my eye near the glass doors.
Someone I felt that I recognised. Someone very familiar.
I turned around for a closer look but there were too many people in the way and I couldn't see them again.
The thing is, I felt like I knew the person that I had seen. It had only been a moment but I was sure that I knew who it was but I just couldn't place them.
I took a breath and readied to continue my tale.
What did they look like?
The Good Lady looked intrigued as she interrupted hideously rudely.
I scowled at her, my eyes small and dark like the holes on a Scotch Pie
It was a he, and he was about my height. With glasses and a big belly. That was about it. But there was something hauntingly familiar about him.
I took off my glasses and rubbed them as if about to deliver a tub-thumping speech about my client's innocence to the Judge in a Movie courtroom.
Uuuuh huuuuh.
The Good Lady interrupted again with a knowing smirk plastered over her face.
Excuse me lady, why the smirk? Can I not just tell my story without you interrupting every five seconds?!
My scowl from before which had already been fierce, ramped up a couple of notches until I now looked like a Timber Wolf gnawing at a Turkey's penis.
I pity Mrs Turkey.
Oh darling, don't be so huffy. We all know how this is going to go. You are going to tell me about seeing this mysterious yet somehow familiar fat guy here there and everywhere and then at the end you are going to look all wobbly-eyed and say that you realise the big fatty that you have been seeing is you reflected in various windows, hahaha!!
She laughed like a Software Developer being asked to document their work.
And then, then you will say how you have to go on a diet for real and get back to the gym to lose the beef!!
The Good Lady laughed so hard that had she had false teeth they would have come flying right out of her head.
I glared at her in outrage.
What?! You think the big fat guy I have been seeing out of the corner of my eye is my own reflection?!?!
The Good Lady grinned and nodded before standing.
Sorry my darling. Don't feel bad though, we have all put on a bit of weight throughout lockdown. You will get it off in no time.
She stood and leaned over to ruffle my hair and walked out of the room giggling.
I looked for something to throw at her but as I did my bingo wing swayed back and forth slightly.
My eyes widened at the sight and I let out a soft whimper.
Perhaps I had better start working out again?
