Fancy a bit of figgy?
Said The Bear-Man leering at me evilly from behind his little wooden counter.
I had barely stepped foot in his shop before the words assaulted the delicate flowers that were my ears.
I beg your pardon!?! Are you aware that the act of figging is one in which a bulb of ginger is peeled and inserted up a fellow's rectum!?
I said brusquely, frowning in distaste.
The Bear-Man flinched back, nearly falling off his chair as if I had thrown a dead rabbit at him.
What!? WHAT!?!
An assortment of horrified and disgusted expressions flitted across his face as the import of what I had described rampaged through his brain.
I mean... What!? What the fuck, man. That's fucking horrible!?
The Bear-Man looked as if he was about to do one of those burpy mouthy sick things.
Apparently it is quite... burny.
I remarked calmly as if discussing a fine cup of tea.
How the fuck would you know!? And how the fuck did you know what it is. Have yer done it or summat!?
His eyes bugged out on stalks, no doubt imaging me with a peeled bulb of ginger up my Charles Bronson perhaps whilst sipping at some of the Bear-Man's fine beers.
Do I look like a man who could be figged!?
I barked.
Well... Maybes...
The grin returned to the Bear-Man s Face
I laughed at the very idea of me parading back and forth with root vegetables poking out my orifices like some kind of politician at a party.
So, why all the talk of figs, is it because they look like vaginas?
I asked.
TheBear-Man recoiled yet again.
Have you been sniffin glue? They don't look like vaginas at all!?!
He uttered from a face creased in consternation that he might have eaten a vagina fruit.
I tapped my temple and winked.
Take it from a man who has seen the odd wild vagina.
The Bear-Man harrumphed at this and reached under his counter to produce a bright yellow can of something with the word Nail on it.
You're fucking nuts. You will probably like this. Fig beer. Named after that big daftie Jimmy Nail.
I lifted the can and gave it a fine fondle.
Fig beer? Yuk. Sounds foul.
I said, my shoulders twitching as if remembering that time I held a giant African snail.
You not wanting it?
The Bear-Man looked puzzled.
I picked it up and have him my best being figged up the chuff grin.
Of course I do! Give me two, I'm gonna get figgy with it!!