Never trust someone who's head looks like back-combed arse hair.
I said wisely.
You can't fucking judge a president based on his hair?!
Replied Marjella - a girl in my work.
I beg to differ. I can judge anyone based on any random criteria I please. Oh and apparently his penis looks like a big fat mushroom.
Marjella shook her head.
No, you can't reduce everything down to genitalia references and... Hey, over here!?
I looked back in Marjella's direction.
Sorry what?
I was speaking and you totally stopped listening and stared at that girl's legs as she walked by!!!
It was midday, almost lunchtime. I was having a natter with Marjella who sat nearby and the subject had rolled around to President Trump's visit and all the protests that were going on because of it.
To be honest, I had switched off once the topic had moved to politics and had resorted to saying things for shock value in the hope of stopping the conversation in its tracks.
It wasn't working.
And then a lady with the most stonking pair of legs ever had walked past. I had never seen her before. She was awesome. Like a sexy gazelle with hair and lips.
I felt my inner lion roar and pace about its cage made of marriage.
Are you listening to me?
Demanded Marjella.
I realised with a start that I had gone back to staring at Gazelle-Lady as she receded off into the distance.
Um, what. What thing was it?
Marjella have me a look blacker than any night.
I was speaking and you just stopped listening so you could stare at a random woman's legs!?
She looked pissed.
No I didn't.
I said, only slightly defensively.
You did. You are leg daft, you always look at girls with legs when they walk past!
She squawked, flapping her wings angrily.
No, that would be demeaning of me.
I couldn't help but wink as I said this.
Marjella's eyes widened.
Yes, yes it would.
She said with a strange finality as if planning to kill me and store me in a chest freezer only to bring me out every third Sunday so we could watch box sets together.
Sorry. You have my full attention now. So what was it about genitalia you were saying?
I smiled my best smile handsomely at her.
Geni...? Oh nothing, forget it!?
Marjella huffed and turned back to her desk.
I turned back to mine with a sigh of almost relief.
Hey, what about my legs?
My body stiffened and not in a naughty Frenchman kind of way. I turned around.
Marjella was smiling at me weirdly.
Um, your legs?
Marjella nodded and kicked her legs as if swimming at the bottom of a dark well.
Yeah, how do mine rate?
She had a mad gleam in her eye. An expectant sort of gleam.
I felt at if I were teetering on the edge of a great precipice.
Despite her big sausagey ankles, I smiled winsomely.
You have magnificent legs!
I declared.
Her face turned slightly pink and she giggled before turning back to her PC.
I turned back to mine too.
My inner lion made a strange mrowling noise. I had an awful feeling I had jumped into and not out of the precipice...
