Friday at last. After what can only be described as a Basturt of a week I was looking forward to my Friday pilgrimage to the beer shop.
What delights would I be offered this week? Would the strangely accented proprietor and his equally strangely accented chums mock me once more in their odd lumpen voices?
I pushed open the door and stepped out of the cold yet sunny outside into the darkened, moistness of the shop's interior.
Hairy is! Eyop lad! Gan forewon?
I was well used to the big bearded Bear-Man behind the counter. I even think, on a strange level I was beginning to understand some of what he said.
Aye!
I boomed cheerily.
Car far, ber tenty?
Squeaked out a higher pitched voice.
Ah, bollocks. It was The-Irish from the other week. I had no idea if he worked there or was just friends with the Bear-Man.
Aye!
I boomed at him too.
He looked slightly perplexed but recovered quickly.
See, hor low in, acha ben the crack!
He smiled.
What the fuck was that? I had no idea, still, a lifetime of dealing with grunting dumplings from the North of Scotland served me well in situations like this.
Ho ho ho, aye. That's right. Haha!
I half shouted. Then I shook my head from side to side as if having a seizure before laughing madly.
They both looked at me in astonishment before nervously joining in with my laughter.
There, that will fucking show them.
Figs, eh. Like a bit of figgy higgy?
Said the Bear-Man slowly as if I were actually the lunatic in the shop.
Figs?? Figgy higgy?
Good lord. I fucking knew it. All this time I had been lulled into a false sense of security. Now they wanted to get figgy with me!?
Not fucking likely, not unless they got me drunk first at the very least.
I shifted my legs apart slightly into a fighting stance.
Nobody's sticking a bit of ginger up my arse.
I growled half under my breath.
Ginguur, no ginguur? Figs man?
Said The-Irish remarkably clearly.
He bent down as if to head-butt my penis and I reared back.
See, figgy, man, herdare nerdare?
He was holding a can of something. It looked far too big and destructive to be stuck up anyone's arse. I peered closer at it.
Ooooohhh, figs!! Why didn't you say so!
I exclaimed, all thought of being violated with weird roots gone from my mind.
Hurdur, a dur. Aye right ye are?
Of course I will marry your mother! Right, give me two of these to go!
I bought my cans and left. Made happy one again by the prospect of strange beer.
