If you are a regular reader of my blog you will have noticed that I have been missing.
Yes, indeed. For a number of days now.
I have been gone.
I wish I could tell you an easy reason for it. I wish I could tell you that I had rage quit and wen't off to join Gab or Medium or Cumonme with the rest of the losers.
Ah, if only life were that simple.
No, my tale is hideously more complex than that.
I was blogging away, pretty much every day, stopping only occasionally to throw a Sherman Tank at the Good Lady. When the event happened.
It was an event that was to change everything.
But what was it?
I hear you cry, clutching at your nethers as if that could help you somehow.
It can't help you. Trust me, I have tried.
In the days since I have been missing, I have tried little else.
But now, I must accept my fate and get on with things.
But where have you been?
You say, voice pitched high in desperation as if I were your bag man and you were my banana.
Ok, I will tell you. Steady yourself though. This is a tale of multi-dimensional terror. A tale that will leave you shaking your head and wondering not only at the validity of the story in question but of the validity of everything you believe in this world.
Will you fucking get on with it?
If I were to hear such words I could imagine a hint of exasperation beginning to creep in.
Well, I can't hear them. I'm not a fucking psychic. That would be ridiculous.
But back to the story.
Where have I been?
Well, I was blogging and working and being a good parent to my delightful children. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Then on the fateful day of my last blog, the Good Lady yelled at me in some consternation.
Daddy-Bear, what in the hell is this?
I came running at her cry of distress like any man would for his Lady Wife. My fists clenching open and closed as I hurtled down the stairs to see what ailed her.
If an intruder had broken in and set about eating my secret chocolate stash there would be hell to pay.
I followed the sound of her voice out into the garden and there she was.
What is it?
I gasped, my handsome chest heaving with the exertion of hauling my athletic frame such a distance.
This? What in god's name is this?
She pointed downward...
And that was it.
I was taken. By whom or what I have no idea. I have picked up and discarded more theories on my whereabouts than any mere mortal could imagine.
And the principle of Occam's Razor left me with one stark conclusion
It had to have been Multi-Dimensional Alien beings who had messed with my mind and perhaps my underthings in an attempt at taking over the world.
How else could I explain the gap and then the waking some number of hours or days maybe even weeks later?
The staggering downstairs to see a smiling Good Lady whisk something green in a cup and offer it to me.
What, What is this?
I gasped in a ragged voice.
Oh, Daddy-Bear. I think you overdid it on those beers, hmm?
She laughed like an ancient evil buried under a pile of wet and stinking black mud.
I knew for certain then.
My lady would never laugh like that and offer me comfort after a severe night on the sauce. No.
It had to be...
Aliens.
