Hey, big chap, you growin a beard?
I stopped to face the madman who had shouted and stroked my fine mane of face hair which hung glossily from my handsome face.
Ah, you noticed!
I had popped out for a bit of lunch and was returning to the office, sandwich in hand when Stevie from work had bellowed at me. Of course, I couldn't blame him for noticing such man'ity even on such a crowded street as we found ourselves.
Stevie's face morphed through the full gamut of emotions available to someone of his intellect, which seemed to be only: chewing, surprise and ejaculating.
Ye livin in the woods noo? The missus chuck ye oot?!
He cackled.
Ha, definitely not young feller me jib. No matter how I treat your missus, I don't think she will ever throw me out!
Stevie's eyes narrowed.
Aye very good, Beard Grylls.
At this he bent over almost double and walked off laughing. I fingered my face-minge thoughtfully then walked off. Some fellows simply couldn't help being envious of those with finer things.
Back at my desk I happily munched my sandwich through a thatch of man hair. My own, I might add.
Some manager woman walked past and jerked as if shot when catching sight of my luscious face ornament. She sidled up to me and giggled.
Did you cover your face in glue and rub a mouse on it?
She said, rather snarkily.
I raised an eyebrow as if squinting through a particularly dirty telescope.
Did you smear yourself in said glue and roll yourself through a charity shop this morning?
What?
Her cheeks flamed as she looked down aghast, as if seeing her cheap and tawdry outfit for the first time.
I stroked my magnificent beard gently with my index finger and thumb and watched her retreating back. Perhaps I should get some cedarwood oil to condition this fine animal on my face?
It's safe to say that throughout the day my new beard drew some comments. This new life as a bearded man did seem to be attracting some ire but despite this, I quite liked it. In fact, I decided to keep this opulent mass of fur on my face. For too long I had been a smoothie.
I arrived home. As I walked into the lounge the good lady stared at me in absolute horror.
What is that on your face?
This?
I said, stroking my face-mane indulgently.
Yes, that bumfluff fuzz on your cheeks? Didn't you shave this morning?
I didn't really have time.
She laughed a tinkling laugh.
It looks like a cat has farted on your face.
I narrowed my eyes. Even my own good lady was a hater??! Fine, I would lose the beard...
This time...
