There it is, Daddy-Bear, pull over!
I jerked the car over as commanded, into a small and grubby lane between two warehouses. A sign lurked deep in the lane's murky nethers.
VG FOOD FESTIVAL
At the bottom of the lane, the road widened out into a car park. I pulled up next to the other dozen or so cars and got us all out of the car.
I hope we are all hungry!!
I boomed as I helped the kids out of the car before lowering my nose to the ground in order for the good lady to load up my panniers with the many bags that come with being a parent on an outing with children.
Once I was loaded, I let out a tired hee-haw before we headed over to the gate of the VG FOOD FESTIVAL.
We paid the boatman at the gate and stepped into the warehouse beyond.
My spider-sense started tingling.
Something wasn't quite right...?
Around the edges of the warehouse were a horde of various food trucks and stalls. In the middle were lots of trestle tables and assorted kids activities, face painting and the like.
On the surface, it looked fine.
Something tickled me though. Something odd. Was it the damp, brackish smell? No, possibly something else?
I narrowed my eyes and looked more closely at the denizens of the Food Festival who had arrived before us.
They were a motley lot. The guys looked to be mostly dressed as cheap pirates and the ladies, either tacky hippies or goths.
To cap it all off everyone was so very pale.
What the fuck had we stumbled into? A nest of vampires?
Shit, was it going to be like that bit at the start of Blade where all the blood rains down from the ceiling and the odd nobs dressed like pirate clowns started attacking us?
I wondered about that bit. I mean, if you were a vampire at a disco and blood started raining from the ceiling, wouldn't you just lie on the floor and lick it up? Seemed like a bit of a waste of blood.
Before I could ponder more on the follies of blood rain, one of the goth women swathed in velvets of many sombre colours stood and waved before running over excitedly.
I spread my feet slightly so as to have a stable footing for when I punched the fucking vampire scum square in the neck.
Hey guys!!! So glad you could make it to the VEGAN FOOD FESTIVAL!!
The goth in question who I now recognised as the Good Lady's friend Olette shouted excitedly as she approached us.
I lowered my fist of iron.
Wait... Did you say vegan?
I said to Olette as she stopped before us and gave the Good Lady a big hug.
Yeah. It's so cool, isn't it! Look at all the stuff. It's amazing. You will love it!
Olette gushed.
I flinched and protectively pulled the two children closer to me. I recognised the damp brackish smell for what it was now. The musty vagina smell of a collective of Vegans. What did they call that anyway? A Vagismus of Vegans?
I shuddered.
Everywhere I looked I could see Vegans grinning and smacking their lips as they raised squidgy monstrous things to their pallid lips. Strange sauces dribbled between their fingers as they bit into their odd and flaccid vegetables.
Olette grinned and pushed an open cardboard box of muck at me.
Burrito?
For a moment my heart leapt in joy. A burrito!! All manner of visions raced through my head as I envisaged a tender melt-in-the-mouth spicy beef parcel of pleasure and I wasn't making a euphemism for a Mexican lady's banjanamo.
The joy fizzed away to nothing as I accepted the box and looked properly inside.
The contents looked like wet overcooked beansprouts in a greasy purple'y brown sauce.
What is it?
I said in an odd squirping tone.
Pulled jackfruit. Try it. It's amazing, just like pork!
Skrawked Olette.
Gingerly I raised it to my lips and teased some of the mushy flobber into my mouth.
Oh God. It tasted nothing like Pork. In fact, it tasted nothing like anything that could be eaten. It was exactly like that scum of dead skin you get around the sides of an old person's bathtub.
You like?
Olette asked eagerly.
I shook my head whilst nodding at the same time and attempted to make an mmmm sound.
I think he likes it?
The Good Lady said with an evil smile.
It's magnificent!
I barked madly.
The fiends, them and their ilk will pay for this.