Oh, hello. You must be Boomy?
Purred the woman who answered the door of my brother's house.
I raised an eyebrow at her as if to politely enquire who the fuck are you? Fortunately, my brain managed to stop my mouth from saying the actual words.
Sorry, I should introduce myself. I'm Martha. It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
This so-called Martha chuckled earthily like a man microwaving a banana.
Um, pleased to meet you. Is my brother in?
I eyed her up and down as I spoke. She looked like a pile of sandbags left outside a flooded house.
Oh, where are my manners! Come in come in!
She stepped back and motioned me in with a hand like corned beef.
I gave what I hoped was an amiable smile even though I owned half the house she was inviting me into and I was fairly certain that under old Scots law that entitled me to half murder anyone under its roof.
In the lounge, I flopped down on my dad's old armchair. Martha lowered herself into a chair across from me. As she did so something creaked alarmingly but I couldn't tell whether it was the chair or her jeans.
Your brother is upstairs, having a bit of a shower...
She gave me a knowing look despite not knowing me in the slightest.
Oh right. That's nice.
It wasn't nice. My brother rarely showered. He was one of those people that believed his body self-cleaned. A result of which meant that he always smelled slightly foosty
If he was showering then it could only mean one thing.
He must have been burying his beef bifter in Martha's fleshy graveyard of a vagina.
Now that I thought about it, I could scent a hint of anchovy mayonnaise coiling heavily around us. The very air in the room seemed to shimmer like oil on a puddle.
Almost as if Martha could hear my thoughts she grinned and threw me a creepy sex look.
I think I will have to shower next.
She flicked her eyebrows up and down twice in quick succession at me as if she were a devout Christian and I was a high-protein cereal bar.
I made to speak but instead, only an odd croaking sound emerged from my mouth.
The door to the lounge swung open and my brother strode in, his hair slightly damp and sticking up in a myriad of directions.
Shower's free, sweetheart.
He said to the fucking Stonehenge that was Martha sitting across from me.
At this, she pulled herself to her feet and smiled a shark's smile in my direction.
It has been lovely meeting you at long last. I have heard so much about you but he would never introduce us?
She pinched my brother's cheek on the way past him as she headed to the shower, no doubt to wash his fetid man-muck out of her hair.
A crushing silence followed her departure. My brother shook himself as if coming out of a trance and sidled over to me, leaning in close to my ear as if worried Putin would hear him voicing support for Ukraine.
Sorry about that mate. We were shaggin.
He let out a giggle like a teenager having salmon paste licked off his balls by an elderly cat.
Yeah, mate. I kinda guessed.
I let out a small laugh as if we were friends as well as brothers.
I am glad you two met anyway, I had something I was going to say to you. Something about me and Martha.
He paused.
Hmm?
I tilted my head at him like a cocker spaniel at the sound of chicken.
Aye, we have been talking about her moving in. I know this used to be the family house so I said it would be best to check with you. You know, like you owning half and all that?
He said this almost apologetically as if it had never dawned on him to buy me out of the place so we could all move on with our lives.
What do you reckon? You cool with it?
He reached out a hand and gave me a playful nudge in the shoulder.
I stared back at him. My eyes flicked around the old family home that we had never sold and for some reason that he had ended up living in rent free.
Arthur obviously thought she was on to a winner here.
Aye mate, of course, that's fine. If it means you are happy then I am happy.
I smiled and drew him in for a man-hug whilst looking around the room. I nodded grimly to myself.
I'll be watching you Arthur. Oh yes, I'll be watching you...