Daddy-Bear, can you keep a side of the barbecue free for the vegetarian stuff?
I looked down from my mighty smoky throne to the supplicant who had approached the most holy of altars.
The what stuff?
I intoned powerfully, waving the sacred tongs in the supplicant's direction.
You know, the 'No Chicken' burgers that we have got for the people who don't eat meat?
The supplicant gestured with an insipid box of reconstituted tree pulp on which there was a bad drawing of a burger with plants growing out of it.
I paused and took a great Godly breath. It wasn't always easy being an exalted being. It wasn't always all holy tongs and smoky fire.
'No Chicken' burgers...
I said with a cold grin like Johnny Depp helping a girlfriend down some stairs.
What's in them? Turkey?
A God should know everything before passing his mighty judgement.
No, you bloody doofus. Of course they don't have turkey in them. They are vegetarian!
The supplicant barked somewhat impatiently.
I peered imperiously down at her. She obviously had no idea the danger she was in. The coals of the holy altar were hot and it was crying out for quivering flesh to decorate its blackened grill.
But Gods are above mortals and I resisted poking a skewer in this ones back-meat for its insolence.
Vegetarian? Yeah, whatever. Sling them here and I shall throw them on with the quarterpounders.
I motioned with the tongs to the meat bench which was groaning with the weight of dead things on it.
Eh, you're not mixing them up. Keep one side free for the vegetarian stuff. Come on, it's not just me that's having them. Olette and Julian are having them too. Let's split the barbie down the middle. That way we keep the cross-contamination down as much as possible.
The Supplicant threw the No Chicken burgers at me and retreated before it got a right good smiting on the arse.
In its place, another supplicant approached holding out an offering on cupped hands.
I nodded, this was more like it. Perhaps this one was bringing me the heart of one of my enemies. Perhaps even still beating. Oh yes, that would be nice.
My porken oboe twitched at the thought.
Nothing sizzled quite like a heart freshly torn from a chest and thrown on the barbie.
I felt my outrage at the No Chicken burgers fade somewhat and I nodded to the supplicant. A hint of a smile tugged at the corners of my mouth.
I washed it away with some fermented beer juice and hailed the supplicant as he came to a stop before me, head low and hands high with the offering.
Julian. What do you bring for the flames?
I growled grandly.
Hoi Boomy, Oi was wondering if there was a little corner oi could perch moi tofu for a minute.
Julian's accent was a sort of plummy southern nonsense, all vowels and saliva.
You've got some fucking what?
I thundered like Odin after that fucking pesky blackbird pecked out his eye or whatever happened that made him a fat dick.
Tofu, yoi know that new one that's dead foirm?
Julian nudged his little pack of sour milky regret next to the No Chicken burgers.
Aye, leave it there. Prick.
I grumbled at his retreating form.
Fucking No Chicken burgers and sour soy tit-milk, what the fuck was the world of mortals coming to?
The flames leapt up in seeming sympathy from the hell grill and I shook my head and started placing all the mad veggie shit at the rubbish side of the barbie that never quite got hot enough for some reason.
Daddy-Bear, hold up! We've got some asparagus to go on too!!
The first supplicant waved and ran towards the holy grill with a handful of asparagus clutched in her fist.
Asparagus?
Asparagus?!
For fuck sake. Truly, it was hard being a God these days.
