I slapped my card with an I got all dem monies swagger against the contactless bit of the card machine in the cafe.
Myself and the little dude serving me both waited a moment for that little acknowledging hey everything's cool beep from the machine.
Instead, it made a different kind of beep, one that was darker and full of menace.
The little dude jerked as if his Aunty had just inserted a skinny parsnip up his Jack Sparrow.
Erm, sorry. Your payment has been declined.
What, balderdash! You think to bejazzle me with your words, young feller me jib?
Said I, or words to that effect.
Eh, no mate. It just says Not Authorised.
Hmm, I shall use another more convenient method of payment than this modern folly of contactless
After paying with some good old fashioned paper notes I ventured outside. This had happened to me a few times lately and I was getting a bit narked by it.
I phoned the bank.
After the prerequisite ten minutes navigating through a phone menu sub-system that almost gave me a hernia, I got through to a human.
The conversation was as thus:
Me: I made a contactless payment and for about the third time this week it got declined. Is my card humped? Do I need a new one?
Him: Yeah, that. It's not your card. it's an anti-fraud measure. Your card is ok. If you use it too often without putting in your pin it declines your transactions until you use your pin.
Me: That's a bit rubbish
Him: Yeah. Well, it's anti-fraud. Stops fraudulent use you see?
Me: Ok. How many times can I use it before having to use my PIN? Just so I know. I can plan for it.
Him: Ah. I can't say. It depends.
Me: Depends on what?
Him: It's worked out by an algorithm...
Me: An algorithm?? What's that?
Him: Pardon?
Me: What's an algorithm?
There was a deafening silence.
Eventually:
Him: Erm. I don't know
Me: I guess we are goosed then?
Him: Yeah, I guess so.
