What are you up to?
The Good Lady peered over at me suspiciously, her face wrinkling up as if she had smelt a morning loaf freshly baked from my brown oven.
Nothing...
I tipped the laptop I was tap-tap-tapping away on, away from her so she couldn't see the screen.
Yes you are, you are up to something?
She took a couple of steps forward, her little arms poking out in front of her, like one of those shitey stop-motion dinosaurs from a seventies movie.
I am not, now kindly give me some space, please.
Even though she was still some four or five feet away, I twisted and turned to keep the laptop facing away from her as if I were one of those remote Tribal men that tie their penises together as part of their coming of age ritual.
You are acting really suspicious? Wait, no? You're not looking at porn, are you? For fuck sake, it's the middle of the day and the kids are about?!
The Good Lady beetled her brow fiercely at the thought of such audacity.
She pointed a finger and took a step closer, her nostrils flaring angrily as if she were about to clamp my head in her vagina and burst it like a ripe pimple.
Of course, I am not looking at porn! For God's sake. I am just fannying around on the net?!
I sniffed righteously.
I was not looking at porn. After all, it wasn't even midday and a gentleman never troubled his nethers with porn before the stroke of twelve.
Can't a man look at some funny cat videos for five minutes without his Good Lady getting all gnarly-warly with jealousy these days?
I shook my head at the Good Lady's folly and made to flip the laptop screen closed.
Not so fast Sparky.
Her voice flailed out like an electric whip and I spasmed slightly as it struck me.
The Good Lady swaggered toward me. Now, no longer jerky and stop-motion'y. Now she was all lithe limbs and power. Like an Iguana with a fin glued to its back.
If you were just looking at funny cat videos then I am sure you won't mind if I have a little...LOOK!
She leapt forward and seized the laptop hauling it out of my flaccid grasp.
Nooooooooooooooo....!!
I yelled, reaching a hand out as she turned the screen toward herself.
Everything seemed to be unfolding in slow motion, my beautiful man hands which could easily belong to a twenty-year-old, reaching, reaching, reaching out toward the silvery slab of computeriness in her hands.
NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
The Good Lady smirking as she got the screen in view and then that smirk falling from her face like feathers from a sunburned goose.
What?! What is this? No? Surely you aren't?
The Good Lady looked at me and my face burned red with shame.
Yes, yes I was. I'm sorry.
The Good Lady closed the laptop with a sad sounding snick.
I can't believe it. You're buying Hive? Again?? Let me guess, it's on 'Sale?'
I stood and stretched out a hand for the laptop, shuffling my feet and avoiding her gaze.
Yeah, it's really cheap, so I thought...
The Good Lady let go of the laptop and sighed.
Do what you want, Daddy-Bear. Just remember what you once told me, every time you buy it, it drops in price.
She turned away.
Not this time baby, I promise. This time it will be different!
I whined at her retreating back.
It would be different this time. I just knew it.
After she had left the room, I opened the laptop. My sale had gone through minutes ago at 448 sats.
The price was now 420.
Bollocks.
