Aloha me Hivers!!!
Forgive my almost criminal Hive silence. I am up in the bitter North of Scotland. Middle North actually, not the real North, I couldn't take being that bored.
We are staying at a cabin in the woods on the banks of a loch with the Good Lady's family.
It is tranquil and peaceful.
To break up the monotony of swimming, relaxing and beer drinking we decided to see a local castle. Drummond Castle to be precise.
It is famed for its ancient flower garden.
When one of the northern family suggested going there in its odd hooting voice, I thought - Why not, I like a bit of baking.
So off we went.
On arrival it looked a bit bleak and frankly a little dull.
I hope this isn't totally balls.
Was my initial thought as we tromped toward the gate.
And then we got through the gates and my breath caught a little in my throat.
The only balls this seemed to be was AMAZEBALLS.
Hot quacking shits!? This place was stunning!
A grand and ancient staircase led down from the 'house' to the grounds.
Which were laid out in a massive Saint Andrew's flag design.
I descended the stairs rapidly. This place was awesome!!
Then I stopped.
There were statues. Lots and lots of statues.
I always feel like statues are judging me.
I shrugged my shoulders. Don't be daft, Boomdawg, they're just statues!
So I carried on. Silly statues. They ain't judging me.
I turned a corner and the mother of all judgey statues loomed out in front of me judging me for every fucking thing she could imagine.
CONFESS!!
Echoed her awful shriek in my head.
I have nothing to confess!!!!
I mind yelled back.
CONFESS!!!
Her voice roared and crashed like a hungry sea.
The weight of her regard bore down on me. The seconds seemed like hours. I could take it no more.
Alright... ALRIGHT!?? I had a wank in a Nun's bed when I was a teenager!!!
There was a ghastly silence.
Then a gruesome chuckle.
I hurried away. Were we done? Would they leave me alone now?
It seemed so. I carried on through the gardens. The statues now almost alarmingly quiet.
I came upon a bizarre obelisk. A dark and greasy pall of evil hung over it.
On closer inspection, I realised it was a Hellraiser Stone. Hence, the devilish blades adorning every surface.
Fuck it, time to get out of this hell spawned place.
As I hurried past the final statue of a small-cocked man standing with a giant butt-plug, I heard it's sneering voice
A Nun's bed??
Contempt oozed in the words.
It wasn't my fault. It was dark!
I scampered to the gate.
As I left the place even the stoney balls on pedestals didn't seem to be lichen me very much.
For now...