I was born into a Catholic household. Although we are not the conservative type, I found that my family finds it unimaginable to believe in anything else other than the Catholic teachings and traditions we all grew up with. This became evident when my aunt, a former Catholic now Christian moved into our home years ago. My Aunt Jenny always shares what she had learned as a Christian all these years. She devotes her free time reading the Bible and she always tells me that God and Jesus Christ always provides what she needs as long as she is faithful. I have never doubted her because the good Lord have been saving me in the past. It was only I that was showing weakness in faith as I've foolishly began to question my own beliefs.
It was due to being heavily influenced by the New Age beliefs that I've read for the past few months. Suddenly, I've began considering the possibility of the universe simply influencing the lives of people. I've began indulging myself with Tarot cards and going as far as purchasing a few decks to pursue the life of someone who wants to develop her own intuitive gift in Tarot reading. This wanting has rooted early in my life because I wanted so much to believe in magic and that anything is possible as long as we believe. The idea of a God who oversees everything suddenly felt wrong to me. Now that I think about it, I've always had a problem with authority. Then again, it was only because I hated anyone who makes me feel incapable and worthless. The fact is, God had never been like that to me and I have broken the promises I've made to Him too many times already. At this moment I feel nothing but shame. Do I even have the right to come crawling back?
Today, I am experiencing so much chaos within me. I had let go of the job that God had provided me for over a year simply because I wasn't doing well anymore and I hated being under the mercy of an authority who insinuates that I'm only working for money. Also, I was very tired. Last October was a sleepless month but only because that I've been on the night shift for too long that it wrecked havoc with my sleeping schedule. Constant fights with my mother wasn't helping either because she thought that I had no time to be a mother anymore. The stress is turning me into something awful. Now I'm still looking for another writing job and I hope to be hired this week or the next. The trouble is, now I'm having a hard time praying. Like I said, I feel ashamed for turning my back on Him and I feel like garbage. Should I be asking for help now after what I've done? I don't really know what to do at this point. I've thought of renewing my relationship with God but can I still do that after my shameless acts?
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