# Ulog Reflections | The slap that echoed

My alarm is supposed to be set for 5:00 AM but here I am at 2:30 in the morning, writing my thoughts in a post to calm me down.

I always have these anxiety attacks before something big is happening. You know that feeling of having butterflies in your stomach, of having shallow, quick breathes signaling your brain that you are anxious and your body starts pumping adrenaline to ready yourself for a fight or flight response.

It is the same thing ever since I was a kid and I have never outgrown it from experiencing it when reciting in class, presenting your project, being in front in a debate and even talking about your thesis in front of a panel.

You know that feeling back in high school that you have been writing sappy poems and giving it to your crush and finally having enough courage to tell her how you feel but somehow you freeze, with your tongue tied and unable to speak those three words.

From Unsplash - jonathan romain

When you are in a meeting and everyone is giving their thoughts on the project and you sit there in a corner, writing your points but not speaking it for fear of being ridiculed. This is especially true when you are the most novice in the room.

You counter a point being made in your head and think of a better way of solving it, complete with data and history because you know your stuff.

You remember that time back in high school when your Physical Education teacher asks all of you to line up and do a jump on the diving platform. You tense up as you climb each step and your stomach is a knot of nerves when you peer out the board.

You imagine yourself jumping and belly flopping into the water below, worse if you land on your back. Your knees shake as the teacher blows his whistle and order you to jump. You see your knuckles turn white as it refuses to let go of the railing.

"I can't do this! I can't do this! I can't do this!" a voice in your head screams, filling you with doubt. You are stuck there with a lot of your classmates grumbling and calling you a pussy.

You mentally give yourself a slap in the back, you mentally feel its sting and it spurs you to action.

[Screen shot from Hajime No Ippo]

You start to walk, and then you run, the voice screams that you might slip! and you jump!!! The voice is left at the board, all you can hear is the wind, you close your eyes and tilt your body and do a half decent spin before plunging fingers first into the water.

You made it, you jumped and did not belly flop. You pass Physical Education and know that when you start to doubt yourself you give yourself a mental slap in the back.

You push yourself forward.

You raise your hand and counter that point, you speak with a soft voice and as you continue it becomes more and more confident.

You muster enough courage and say I love you to the girl and hope for the best and expect the worst.

You move forward and type your thoughts and know you have prepared and done everything so you push down the anxiety and just do it.

Believe in yourself. Shine in a way that you know you are worth it.