Today is my first entry. I'm hoping that putting my thoughts and feelings into words will help me in some way.
I guess that my end goal is happiness. It seems that happiness is such a strange concept though, something that's always out of reach. If you ask 100 people on the street if they were happy I wonder what they would say. I guess the answer would be 'I'm alright', 'Not bad', 'I could be worse'...etc. These are phrases that I've used my whole life. I'm sorry if you've got to this point and found I've not said anything that hasn't been said a million times before, but in the case that someone does read this, maybe it will help in some way. I know that, for me at least, knowing that others feel the same way I do has helped me.
Back to the point I was trying to make, I feel like everyone wears a mask. Nobody answers the question 'How are you?' with something negative like 'Pretty bad actually'. For the most part none of us want to burden others with our problems. In the case of depression I think this is magnified. Often I have thought about the fact that my life has no value, how would I even begin to explain this to someone. Even worse is that the response, I feel, would be predictable. 'You're great' or 'Why do you think that, you can do anything' which is exactly the response I'm not looking to illicit.
I don't want pity.
I don't want people telling me that I'm great.
Some days I realise I do have potential, that I can do something about my circumstance. I can finish that project, I can be a 'go-getter'. I guess that's one of the confusing things though. Depression can rear it's ugly head suddenly like a kraken to a sailor on a beautiful day or it can rise like a creeping tide and slowly engulf you.
It took me 3 years to tell my girlfriend that I suffered from depression. I am diagnosed but do not take medication but I have previously. I have been contemplating the use of medication recently again but as a last hoorah have read up on supplements (in particular B12) which may help as well as trying to put my foot down and create strict routines to follow in my everyday life. As a result of my depression I have also developed an eating disorder over time which meant that I have at times gone through periods of not eating for a day or eating about 2000-3000 calories in the space of a week. For someone of my weight and height this is well below what I should consume of course, in fact this is below what many people should be consuming in the space of a day nevermind a week.
So, I'm not sure if anyone will read this but I see this blog going in 2 directions, either a diary of my journey to find meaning in my life, which I think may be the root of my struggles (but what do I know), or a diary in which I go from a long, skinny string of thread to a muscular beefcake, or at least gaining a few kilos. Maybe it will be both.
