It doesn't matter how many times I say I want to start over, it never happens. I learned that each time I said it, I am still not letting go the broken dreams. It is like building a ruined lego house on loop and never finishing it. I get tormented because I don't know how to stop latching on to those broken dreams. But eventually, I find out how to let go those broken dreams.
Recently, I deleted one of my only remaining mainstream online presence. That was the turning point for me, letting go the life I latched on to for years. Where I could still meet old faces and people from toxic relationship I build over the last three years. I want to break free from anything associated with my past. Even this presence, I don't know; it has been becoming a job, a portfolio, a witness to my journey, I just can't let this one go yet. Besides, this place is the least toxic I know and not filled with toxic people from the past. The only remaining online presence of mine is this hive account.
Moving forward, I want to focus on new ventures and things. I want to start over with my writing career. I want to learn how to be a better creative writer and eventually publish a book. Not to mention, I want to resume my journey with programming and linguistic where my end goal is making a tangible contribution. That are some goals I currently have which I hope will motivate me to get out of the broken loop.
I was once guilty of wishing the Deus ex machina in my journey. But from a book I read by Jordan Peterson, it's the " It makes a mockery of independence, and courage, and destiny, and free will, and responsibility*". I have the choice and the courage to stop being tormented by the past, and I am going to use it well this time.
